Picture the scene if you can; You’ve got 3 vegan muppets sat opposite you at the dinner table.
They start with the usual grief, as they always feel compelled to do, since it appears that eating meat is not only torturing the animal kingdom, destroying the planet, and killing the health of billions of us, but apparently we’re not even ‘designed’ to eat meat, and our ancestors were all veggies.
‘That’s news to me’ I said, dropping the piece of medium rare fillet steak still on my fork to the plate, where it lands with the tiniest splat of blood, and gazing at it as if I’ll never eat the filthy poison again.
So here we have a situation where Bret Maverick, James Bond and Gambit, think they're playing Poker with Forrest Gump (me)!
And please, always do allow them to have that brief sense of superiority before you kick them in the bollocks (or cunt).
Trust me, it always makes the victory sweeter, as well as making them less inclined to open their big mouths again, save to shovel in some more ‘Nutrient Devoid Entertainment’ into their collagen starved pie holes.
As usual, I ask myself, as you may be, am I being overly cruel here?
Or are they trying to ruin my meal, and sell me some shoddy goods, while intellectually bullying me, and thus feel better themselves, for the experience?
Thank you!
I’ve nothing against being slim, wiry, sinewy, scrawny, lean, or however the fuck you want to describe these people, but it’s simply not my physical preference. I very much like having the shoulders and arms of a gladiator, the neck of a wrestler, an arse like two bowling balls in a sack, and thighs, cock and calves, in proportion likewise.
Maintaining my physique is, however, often misinterpreted by veggies, as the very reason why I must prefer meat, and it’s not.
I simply eat the way I do for health and longevity, way before body maintenance.
I tell you this so as you’ll understand the context of what comes up next, and it frequently does, for me anyhow.
“Well Elephants are big and strong Andy, and their Vegetarians”
I practically snorted out a remaining piece of unchewed steak that was reacting with the mustard it had been dipped in when one of them said that.
It’s not often I’m taken by surprise, but I’d never heard that one. Seriously.
Vegetarians seldom cite ungainly, clumsy, or fat animals as their examples of optimum vegetarians.
I’ve never heard anyone use the Hippopotamus as the ‘poster animal’ for a plant-based diet.
They usually have the good sense to pick something that at least resembles us Humans, and because they don’t know that Chimpanzees are stronger than us, they almost always cite Gorillas, as being the perfect specimens of vegan logic.
But here’s a question for you reading this.
Why the fuck would any normal member of the public, unless they were studying to be a vet or wildlife expert, have any knowledge of either Gorilla or Elephant anatomy and physiology?
No, they wouldn’t, would they?
And that’s exactly what you’re vegetarian adversary will be counting on, since you can absolutely guarantee that whatever yoga teacher or vegetarian magazine/cookbook that they swallowed the information from, will have also not known what you’re about to learn.
And it’s a bloody shame you have to learn about it here, because aside from ‘Making a Vegetarian Cry’, it’s of little or no value to you.
That said, and joking aside, maybe when your 12 yr. old daughter comes home from school crying one day because her best friend has ‘explained the facts’ of meat eating life to her (no doubt acquired from her retarded new age vegan parents via their yoga teacher), and your daughter cites Gorillas, Elephants or Cows as wonderful examples of her new proposed eating style, then maybe this information will prove priceless.
Without this information, you may find yourself with a 15 yr. old daughter that looks like a fucking Racoon, has a bedroom decorated like a morgue, is on anti-depressants, makes herself puke after dinner and self-harms.
Teenage vegetarian girls are twice as likely to suffer from depression and eating disorders, as well as anaemia. All 100% proven but kept quiet by you know who.
Lucky for me, I knew just enough about Elephants to smash it apart, then steer the conversation round to my favourite, the Gorilla.
Elephants you see, spend 12 to 18 hours each day eating around 200kgs of food, crushing it to a pulp using four massive molars, then dropping the pulp into a stomach the size of a small car petrol tank (60 litres).
This is merely a storage tank, as nothing much else goes on till the food is passed into a 50-foot-long intestine, which includes something called a ‘caecum’.
This caecum contains the fermentative bacteria, ‘THAT NO HUMAN BEING POSSESSES’, that can break down and digest cellulose (from the veg).
The bacteria get fed during the process, as well as releasing nutrients in the cellulose to the elephant, and the side effect is the loudest and most frequent ‘Farting’, of any species on the planet.
The elephant has the most inefficient digestive system of any mammal, and in spite of all the above, still only manages to extract only half of the nutrition from the food it consumes.
Because of this, elephant shit is the best manure you could ever find, so much so that baby elephants eat it, and, in a survival situation, I think I’d also opt for the elephant crap over a plate of vegetables I couldn’t digest!
In a nutshell, an elephant is a totally inefficient eating, shitting and farting machine, made into a giant land mammal by nothing that could remotely be compared to a human being!
So what about Gorillas?
Gorillas spend 6 hours a day just chewing, Humans only total 1 hour. Which would you rather do with your day?
Gorillas have the smallest brain of any primate, largely due to the massive cost of eating and digestion, and Humans have the largest brains. Which would you prefer?
Gorillas have the longest digestive tract of any primate (look how thick their waists are) and Humans have the shortest. Do you want a 34-inch waist or a 64-inch waist?
Gorillas have the fermentative bacteria needed to digest cellulose, and Humans don’t!
Gorillas have an erect penis size of 4cm (1.5 inches)! How’s that sit with you ‘size doesn’t matter’ guys or girls?
Gorillas make their own saturated fat for survival but we can’t. We have to get our fat from our diet!
What!!
I’ll bet you were following me right up to that point, Yes? Or can’t you get the idea of a tiny cock on a massive animal out of your mind yet?
I mean everyone knows that a Gorillas strict vegan diet has to be the lowest fat diet on earth, right?
‘Expert’ nutritionists say the fruit, veg, roots and bugs in a gorillas diet have a maximum 5% fat content at the most from the bugs that get on the veg, so who’s wrong?
Will it be the Government funded PhD’s, with their super genius academic minds, or a Blunt lad from Brixton in South London, who left school at 15?
Well, remember I told you that the gorillas bacteria feed themselves from the cellulose just like the elephant, yes?
And that a by-product of that would be gas, accountable for all that farting that vegetarians, elephants, and gorillas must love.
Well, the bacteria also convert that indigestible fibre into ‘Butyrate’ or ‘Butyric Acid’.
Butyrate is a ‘Short Chain Fatty Acid’ (or an SCFA if I was trying to lose you like any veggie doctor would want to do right now), but to you and me, these SCFA’s are classed as……….wait for it……….. Saturated fat!
The small amount of butyrate humans make is absorbed and used to feed (colon) cells, essential for anti-inflammatory colon health. A tiny, insignificant amount may reach our bloodstream.
But a Gorilla has six times the absorption rate of a human, plus, since its eating 20kgs of the crap (veg) a day, it releases a ton of it into its bloodstream.
So a Gorilla ends up running on around 55% to 60% saturated fat!
I bizarrely discovered this after some prick of a vegetarian pointed me to a medical study he probably thought I wouldn’t read or look into it any more than he obviously hadn’t, but I paid for the study and read it cover to cover.
The study concluded that if you feed meat to Gorillas in captivity, they suffer hypercholesterolemia and die!
So much cholesterol basically, that everything clogs up, and they simply go pop!
This information was provided by the vegetarian of course, for me to ‘Realize’ the truth about the evils of cholesterol, and of course it would have done, had I been a stupid, gullible, fuckwitted vegetarian, desperate to find anything in the medical literature that backed up and validated my flawed belief system.
Anyway, now you know why a Gorilla would go pop, plus their clearly not designed for our diet in the first place, poor buggers.
In fact, did you know that the first studies revealing the ‘Dangers of cholesterol’, were done by a Russian pathologist, Nikolai N. Anichkov in 1913…wait for it,… on Rabbits, who were of course strictly vegetarian, and had been force-fed a shit ton of pure cholesterol!
Oh my, what a surprise it must have been when the little bunnies all started dropping dead from heart attacks!
Suffice to say Anichkov performed the same experiments on dogs, rats and cats, but when the results didn’t conform to the scientist's hopes, because the dogs, rats and cats stayed perfectly healthy, he ignored the results and stuck with the rabbit bullshit.
How fucking stupid is any of that, when you consider we place our faith in these scientists, doctors and dieticians, who have been killing us all slowly ever since!
Now don’t get me started on Cows!
They’re huge, and they only eat grass after all!
Haha, no that’s enough for today, but if you want to know how I handle the idea that our ancestors were vegetarian, and how we’re supposedly built that way also, then check out my article called; ‘You Can’t Scare a Prostitute with a Cock!
Thanks for reading today, and be well.
Blunt Coach Andy.
