‘Making vegetarians cry’ in reality, isn’t always as much fun as it is writing about it, because sometimes it’s a friend with the veggie problem.
I do have many true stories to share, of brief encounters with many ultra-clever vegetarian strangers, that usually ended up with my Blunt dial cranked up to its full 100%.
So, short and sweet, with a fair degree of rudeness and volume on both sides, to say the least, has been the norm in these debates.
Don’t think for a minute that these know it all’s won’t swear at you, or start waving their arms in the air or even try to push you about.
Remember, their known for being ‘Compliers’ which is a lovely way of saying ‘gullible idiots who do as their told’.
This compliance stretches to sticking to the speed limit, being smart enough to know that smoking does kill, avoiding sports with head trauma, and so on. Which is all pretty sensible I suppose.
It’s a shame life’s not so sensible.
I mean why have sex for fun? you might put your back out on the job, so it’s just for making babies I guess.
The gullible mug part kicks in, when you discover that their adventure into veggie supremacy involved little or no critical thinking, nor hard research, but rather a nudge from a family member, partner, teacher, colleague or padre, who thought they might benefit from their infinite wisdom by handing the poor sod a 500-word pamphlet, a YouTube link, or a loan of what’s known as ‘The Vegetarians Bible’ ‘The China Study’ book.
But they also tend to think they're somewhat above the swine, semi cannibal, meat-eating, animal murdering planet killers such as myself, and perhaps you too.
Remember that even on their ridiculously low testosterone producing diet, they can still spit their dummies out, and often become as enraged as Elton John missing his piano stool!
What they fail to understand, is that you and I have the Testosterone of a Tyrannosaurus Rex!
Ok, I know that stands for King Tyrant Lizard, but we all have a reptilian component to our minds in the limbic system, and it’s there for good leafy green reasons, so keep it well oiled!
This lot also believe in the law. Or worse still, that someone like me would give a fuck about the law if they were within arm’s reach while getting physically aggressive with me.
The look on a veggies face when you pin him to a wall by his windpipe is truly priceless.
It’s a true ‘brown trouser moment’, where the pungent odour of 2lbs of Brussel sprouts and a soy milk cappuccino sets off on an epic and explosive journey from bum hole to yet another ozone hole, while their heads do an amazing impression of a beetroot.
Mind you, please wait till they put a finger on you first, and be fully prepared for the snivelling pacifist bitch to call the old bill afterwards.
That way, at worst you’ll get a reprimand for using a tad too much force, but if you swear to the cop that a punch was definitely following the poke, he’ll be onside.
As long as you truly fear for your safety, and convey to the cop this fear, you are allowed to defend yourself by any ‘reasonable’ force, and since there won’t be a mark on his 14-inch schoolboy neck, then you can’t have been that unreasonable, so the cop will explain the consequences of taking this to court to him, especially since he instigated it.
For the record, a punch very often does follow a poke, push, or request for the time, and any decent cop knows this. It’s also the reason why I’ve never lost to anyone dumb enough to send me a postcard before slotting (punching) me.
The famous book I mentioned, which sold 5 million copies; 'The China Study', became the vegetarian’s bible back in 2005.
It looked, among other things, at the relationship between animal products including dairy, and chronic illness like breast, colon and prostate cancers, as well as heart disease.
They recommended that any food containing cholesterol was unhealthy!
This book was loosely based on the 20-year China Cornell study in the 70's, and in a nutshell;
It was all total fraudulent bollocks!
And has since been torn apart from every angle you can imagine, including the facts that 'for some reason,' vital information was kept out of the study's findings, and later on in the book.
Could that have been because Monsanto, the biggest food company and grower of soy in the world, have little or no interest in the meat and dairy industries, but a huge interest in the soy, wheat, fruit and veg game?
Who knows, but the truth of the study is out there, together with the evidence that vegans enjoy the shortest lifespan on the planet at 56! Yes, 56!
A re-examination of the original China Study data shows virtually no statistically significant correlation between any type of cancer and animal protein intake.
Sadly, when they looked at plant protein, which The China Study argues so vigorously is cancer-protective, the top people found almost three times as many positive correlations with various cancers as they did with animal protein, including colon cancer, rectal cancer, and oesophageal cancer.
And it was the same for heart disease and stroke.
Plant protein has a positive correlation (bad in other words), while animal protein and fish protein have negative or nearly neutral correlations, meaning the animal-food eaters in rural China, if anything, are getting less cardiovascular disease than their more vegetarian friends.
One of the reasons Oriental women have lower levels of menopause problems and breast cancer, is not because of the actual amount of soy they eat, as veggies want you to believe, which has been blown way out of proportion, they actually eat very little of the stuff, yet in the west we imagine them stuffing their faces day and night with soy and tofu.
Not true.
I ate with a family in Japan for two weeks and was never served the shit once.
Now, are you sitting comfortably, because……. Once upon a time;
I’m in Starbucks, enjoying a heated debate with two vegans, both of whom were enjoying a ‘Healthy’ mug of frothed soy milk cappuccino.
More on soy later, but suffice to say it’s been banned from baby formula in the EU since way back since it promotes infertility, cancer, and rots baby’s teeth!
It’s utter dogshit.
“I see you’re still drinking your growth hormone enriched cow’s milk Andy, that should keep your muscles bulging,” says the 30yr old dude with the body of a skinny fat 14 yr. old boy. The stench of vegetarian superiority beginning to pervade the air around us.
Me; “No John, they banned growth hormone for dairy cattle in most parts of the civilised world in 2000, only the yanks are still drinking it, and besides, wasn’t those drugs made by Monsanto, the same bastards responsible for that piss your drinking”
“Look, Andy, you’re not seriously suggesting there’s something wrong with our soy milk are you?”
Me; “What milk, I don’t see any milk”…..
A long pause ensued as they gazed into their cups, wondering what the hell I was going on about……then, still me, ”Oh you mean ‘Bean Juice’
“Oh I get it, but your both grown up enough to know you can’t milk a bean, right”?
And they only market it as milk to sell to idiots without regards for their hormones, I mean it has been banned in baby formula because of fertility issues and cancer, and the distributors have admitted in court that persuading store owners to place it in the refrigeration section of supermarkets, where it doesn't need to be, makes people think it’s fresh, and so they buy more of it, which is deception, but you must both know that right”?...........
“Plus, all the soya beans I’ve ever seen are green, so god knows what the boffins at Monsanto put in there to make it white” (as I’m making a wanking gesture over their coffee’s)
(Note; the juice is actually white, I think because they use older, dried beans).
“Well at least millions of animals aren’t suffering because of our ignorance”, piped up Johns marathon running, skinny/fat, saggy skinned tart.
“Oh really, tell that to all the creatures that live in the forests of Argentina, where in 1971 there was under 40,000 hectares for soy crops, and now it’s over 14 million hectares, and rising at the rate of 20 football pitches a day!
Never mind all the dead prairie creatures in America, we’re talking forests and jungles in Bolivia, Argentina and Brazil. I thought you guys loved the rainforest…. How many creatures were bulldozed or burned out of their homes to make your cappuccinos do you think?
And what about all the insects and birds, flora and fauna, or don’t they count if they don’t have a face or cry?”…..
I started sadly singing the song ‘Bright Eyes…burning.. like fire’ and rubbing my eyes.
“That’s all grown to feed the meat you eat Andy,” She says, at 35, and with skin looser than my grandad’s ball sack!
“well…I guess you might have got me there darling” I said with deliberate uncertainty in my voice.
(Always give the enemy a sniff of victory dear reader, it makes sticking the boot in all the sweeter).
I then added, with supreme confidence; “except that it goes to feed all types of domestic animals, rodents, and the zoo’s across the world, as well as cattle, so you have to drop something off the 200 million tons for cattle feed each year, don’t you?.. please”
“Well Ok, but not much,” Said John.
“Trust a guy to give another guy a break” came the echo out of a big mug, and I don’t mean her coffee cup.
“but there’s a lot of cheap pet food in the world John, maybe 30% of soy goes there, what do you think”
Now John gets tough on me, cause she’s not liking him helping me out one bit;
“no Andy, no way 30%, maybe 15 or 20 tops”
“ok John, so 20% of 200 million tons is 40 million, leaving 160 million for the cattle and poultry I eat, is that Ok?”
“What’s your bloody point Andy, whatever”
“Well my point is if pets eat 40 million tons and my dinner eats 160 million…what happens to the other 120 million tons?”
Now they're both looking at me, and both are confused and worried at the same time.
“Oh I know”, I said, slapping my forehead, “the remainder of the 320 million, or 120 million tons, must be consumed by stupid human twats, trying to sterilize themselves”
Now, if I’m coming off as a prick here guy’s, can I take you back to;
“I see you’re still drinking your growth hormone enriched cow’s milk Andy, that should keep your muscles bulging”
They fucking started it, plus there’s two of them and one of me.
This is an attempt at intellectual bullying.
Someone’s going home from school with a nosebleed (metaphorically), and why the fuck should it be me? Or you?
I already had two beautiful children (Steve and Pia) at this time, and this couple were still trying for a baby!
Just fucking jealous bastards really, and rather than be wrong, fertile and healthy, they’d rather be right, baron and unhealthy. Well fuck em, I thought.
Now the whole time this has been going on, there’s two copies, one each, of ‘The China Study’ on the table.
You know these types of fuckers, they’ve been together a decade and still have separate bank accounts, his and her money, and all that bollocks.
“good book?” I asked, pointing with both index fingers.
“you should do yourself a favour and read it you pig,” said skinny/fat tart.
“I already have love; I was just wondering if you knew much about what your reading”
“Oh fuck off, what’re you going on about now” John’s now visibly angry with me, cause she’s gonna give him the ‘black mamba strapon’ when they get home, for helping me out with the soy thing.
So I proceed to debunk The China Study, as well as Cholesterol fraudster Ancel Keys for good measure, and guess what happens next?
Liberace spits his dummy out, and throws his copy of the book at me, saying “fuck off and learn to read” and the book hits me square in the chest.
I could have caught it, of course, in fact, I had so much time I could’ve caught it at a specific page number.
But where’s the fun in that!
Can you guess what happened next, and who had a little cry on his way home from school with a sore windpipe?
Cry bye. X
Blunt Coach Andy
