And the winner of the all-time greatest retail bullsh*t award goes to…

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When it comes to bullshit, I’m sure you’ll have heard its version of the ‘Oscars’ tend to be awarded to direct selling, you know, home improvements or telemarketing campaigns and such like.

But though I’ve got some stories to tell from those sectors to be sure, I also had more than my fair share of fun in retail.

That said, direct salespeople to my knowledge have never wheeled a piece of equipment into people’s homes and given them cancer!

Not even double glazing, aluminium sidings or the motor trade can lay claim to that much bullshit.

And of all the retail sectors I’ve worked in, well 3 to be fair (menswear, shoes and handbags), I’m delighted to welcome Shoe Sales into the Bullshit Hall of Fame.

So the award for the all-time best bit of retail bullshit goes to; drum roll;

The Fluoroscope Shoe Fitting XRay Machine!

“You think I’m fucking with you?

I am not Fucking with you”. Alec Baldwin from Glengarry Glenross.

This was a real piece of kit in thousands of shoes shops worldwide between 1920 and 1970.

‘Customers expect it’ Bet they didn’t expect this though!

Ok, now I am fucking with you, sorry, and I just hope you’re not doing lunch anytime soon!

But truly, these are the same White Coated Cunts that brought you this below;

Namely the Doctors and Scientists. Also brought you this;

The three viewers are for the kid, mum, and the salesperson to see the X-rays of the feet actually moving in real time.

Besides ensuring the best possible fitting shoes for adults, it also brought a new dimension of fun for the kids, who traditionally were none too keen on shoe shopping.

Well that was the sales pitch anyhow, and it certainly worked at pulling the punters in.

The Fluoroscope was an invention of Thomas Edison’s team. Edison was said to be delighted with the results, although less than pleased with his lab technician Clarence Dally, who died in agony, his body covered in the same malignant ulcerations you see here on his hands.

“Cheese Sandwich Gary”?

Edison halted all his radiological research, and vowed to never have another X-Ray after his assistant’s death.

Now I’m guessing that by this time, someone had thrown some serious money and effort into this idea, because in-spite of serious concerns on radiation exposure going back decades, it still got the green light of approval.

Mind you, so did Cigarettes, DDT, Agent Orange, Thalidomide, Microwave ovens, Glyphosate, BPA and CrossFit, so anything’s possible when you flash enough cash.

The radiation exposure for a typical fluoroscope shoe customer was the equivalent to 20 modern chest x-rays inside 20 seconds, so just imagine the dosage the salespeople got each day!

In 1949 the New England Journal of Medicine published a report stating that the fluoroscope had ‘caused untold deformities, infertilities, and deadly cancers’

By 1971 the machine was more or less banned worldwide.

The very last one however was found in an old department store in Maddison, West Virginia, and finally unplugged in 1981!

Still it’s always nice to know that retail bosses take their staffs health seriously!

Keep on retailing.

Blunt Coach Andy.

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