Consumer Warning. What you should know before hiring a Life, Health, Nutrition, Wealth, Fitness or Business Coach!

Seriously! You're fat because you represent a human adapting for 6 months’ hibernation with The Three Bears, or is it because you don’t understand your trade woman?

90% dark chocolate perhaps, but that sign looks suspiciously like its hovering over the Twix’s doesn’t it? I wonder if Courtney thinks a ‘Terry’s Chocolate Orange’ counts towards one of her five a day, and is full of vitamin C?

Thank god I’m just a lowly independent researcher, who never crawled up anyone’s arse or into anyone’s pocket to the degree whereby my good judgment, my critical faculties, and my ability to question and think, became as compromised as these two poor women above have.

But you can find out more about me, elsewhere on the site.

To wrap up the question; ‘how long have you been doing it’, I’m in agreement with many other experts, who say 20 years minimum, to be the full package, and that’s after you’ve cut through the bullshit first and are doing it right.

In case you’re wondering, the most outrageous claim anyone could ever make of me is that I am ‘ageist’

I have so little in common with people my own age, that given the choice, I’d always prefer to work, rest and play (no Michael Jackson jokes please), with people half my age.

The quickest way to get in your box (coffin), is to hang out with people who think there half way there at 50, fucked at 60, and a drooling piss stained wreck of a human at 70.

Both my parents are fit, healthy, alert and happy, at 80 and 81 respectively.

A quick quote that seems appropriate here.

“If you hang out with cripples, mental or physical, it won’t be long before you develop a limp” Arnold Schwarzenegger.

So I’m all for the younglings, but not when there professing expertize in any field of life, with less than 20 years’ experience under their belts.

Question 3; ‘Whats your story?’

So your life coach admits she’s been studying for only ten years, and to compound this, she adds she was raising a family before that.

A lovely lady I’m sure, and very well-intentioned, but a waste of your money.

That history is not even in a relevant industry, such as to be giving health, diet or nutrition advice, never mind fitness or wealth creation.

Having no doubt thrown all the wrong foods down the necks of three kids, two of which have learning difficulties due to the low-fat diet she was on during gestation, and all the jabs she allowed them to have before she learned to read, does not qualify anyone to know about health or diet.

By that rationale, all dieticians should be morbidly obese folk like Courtney, since they have the most insight into food, by virtue of sheer volume consumed!

And, while I'm at it, don’t fall for the bog standard sob story most coaches seem to wheel out these days.

I mean, I have a story, we all do, but mine doesn’t go like this;

“Well, I was persistently arse raped as a child, in a shanty town somewhere very dull, and locked in a basement till I was 15, by ‘Zed’ and the ‘Gimp'.

By age 30 I was 140 lbs overweight, had a heart attack, lost my job, husband, and was bankrupt. So I ended up down the docks, doing ‘favours’ for sailors!

I’d struggled with depression, alcohol and drug abuse for a long while, I was on anti-depressants and other psyche meds, blood thinners, statins, and contemplated suicide many times.

My partner was abusive, and my boss didn’t respect me, then my dog died.

I hit rock bottom and had to find my way back to life, so I went on a Tony Robbins course.

I learned to dance on a table in front of complete strangers with my titties out, and haven’t looked back since.

I became an NLP practitioner and did a YMCA NVQ in CrossFit and TRX coaching, and am currently studying to be a certified dietician and a life coach in a box.

I basically rebuilt my entire life and can help you do likewise.

I also do Tarot readings, Angel, Quantum, and Crystal healing.

I think this makes me perfectly qualified to be your life coach”.

 A moments silence please, while we all vomit!

Why the hell are people impressed with such bloody stories?

Is your life seriously such a train wreck, that you’d enjoy working with this person?

I mean I’d work with her as a client, but I wouldn’t hire her to walk my dog.

What!

So you’d hire an ‘ex’ paedophile to babysit your kids, would you?

But people flock to these drama queens!

Is it because it makes them feel relatively successful, compared to how the now guru (above) used to be, and somehow, through expressing vulnerability, the guru seems more likely to empathize with your bullshit excuses?

Because you know you'll be making plenty of them 'good excuses', don't you?

And you suspect that using getting arse raped 40 years ago as an excuse that's stopping you from reading for an hour a day, walking a dog, or controlling what you throw down your pie hole in the here and now, won't fly with me, yes?

It’s just a theory.

I think I’ll call it the ‘Michelle the Fat Nutritionist Theory’, or the ‘Courtney’s, how to attract fat clients, by being a bigger screw up yourself, theory’

But did you know, that the plots of any TV soap opera, are quite deliberately written to be overwhelmingly negative?

This we’re told, is because normal people need to feel that their shitty lives at least aren’t as bad as the characters in the soap opera. So for a couple of hours a week, they can wallow in this sad, fictional pleasure, of being better off than another tragic fictional character, on TV.

The programme-makers and writers, all know they have to keep the plots negative, or the viewers won’t tune in to the program.

Ever wonder why they're called TV ‘Programmes’?

Could it be because their ‘programming’ people to be morons, and accept very little from life, but still sleep at night, safe in the knowledge that at least they’re better off than their favourite fictional soap characters, and be proud that they packed more useless shit and selfies onto their Instagram than anyone else in their list of retarded friends today!

Ho..ly shit!!!

So quit feeling sorry for some dipshit that should be hiring ‘YOU’, as ‘THEIR’ bloody life coach, instead of the other way round, and start reading between the lines, please.

Let’s just dissect the above tale of past woe, purely for the purpose of clarity, shall we?

That way, when something similar comes up from someone trying to sell you lifecoaching services, you can interpret it, Blunt Coach style.

‘She was raped as a child’!

Dreadful. Despicable, and as a father of two, it makes me nauseous.

But in all deadly seriousness; does the past equal the future?

And how the fuck does this have anything to do with anything else or any bearing on her life coaching abilities?

It’s the usual bollocks, caused by the therapists (that’s THE-RAPISTS), who mind rape people into thinking their victims of circumstance, by handing them a Willy Wonka Golden ticket, as a token, get out of jail free card, for all the underachieving and tragedy in the person’s life.

Then, when they do get their shit together, (and if it’s possible now then it was possible 20 years ago presumably), the public, mental health industry, and the media give out another Golden ticket, only this time for overcoming adversity.

Am I being clear here, I mean when have you ever seen Oprah, Dr Phil, or Jerry Springer, interviewing someone who’s lead a charmed life?

Next;

‘She was 140 lbs overweight’, but only lost 100 lbs, so is still clinically obese, yes? Great, let's put out the bunting, shall we?

Next;

‘She had a heart attack’ through sheer neglect and deep-rooted self-loathing.

And that’s a selling point, is it?......... WTF!

Who hasn’t ‘lost a job’ here and there, but not by being Ill, late, incompetent and smelly I’ll wager, (sorry people, but anyone that’s 140 lbs overweight stinks at some point in the day), "Why Mr Darcey, whatever do you mean, 'I smell like a glass blowers arse crack'?".

They say ‘suicide’ is the sincerest form of self-loathing. When they can get the job done that is!

The rest of the time it’s just a needy person crying for his or her Mummy’s attention, and at best, if there are loved ones and children involved, a bloody selfish and weak way out.

‘An abusive partner and a boss’ who didn’t pin a gold medal on her each time she successfully navigated her way back to work, from extended breaks to the bog or Krispy Kreme each day.

Welcome to the club darling.

These people expect a Nobel Prize for changing the copier toner!

That she’s on all kinds of ‘medications’, simply shows how this idiot trusts her doctor, who’s no more than a glorified drug pusher, that knows even less than the dieticians and nutritionists do about wellness and life.

‘She hit rock bottom’!

Which is exactly where Tony Robbins, Alcoholics Anonymous, and born-again Christians do their finest work.

Rock Bottom feeding motherfuckers!

Trust me; if ever your critical faculties, judgment, and instincts are at an all-time low, it’s when you hit rock bottom.

‘She danced on a table with her tits out for some strangers’ and everything changed.

Great, but it would have been the same if the Jesus mob or Scientologists nabbed her, or she’d fallen into the clutches of AA.

It’s called ‘The Dead Cat Bounce’

Basically, and rather graphically, if you drop a cat from the roof of a skyscraper, just after it hits the floor it bounces up a fraction before finally coming to rest.

In a human that’s seeking refuge, or a new Mummy and Daddy (the drop from the roof), then Jesus, Tony Robbins, or a bunch of like-minded alcoholics, will provide the vital bounce needed that, unlike the cat's, may last for a few years. Which I suppose is amazing in itself, isn’t it?

I’m told that, in an emergency, my Bentley can run on used cooking oil.

But you know what? I’m sticking to 98 super unleaded!

I hope you get that metaphor; ‘Any old shit will do in a crisis’.

Then you'll remember, our hypothetical life coach friend became an ‘NLP coach’, along with everyone else in the world, and their brothers, which of course explains how and why she went from ‘bankruptcy’ to the dizzy heights of owning a three-bed semi, a Toyota Corolla, and only being 40lbs overweight.

Whoopy fucking do!

This girl will use her immense, Jedi, NLP bullshit powers, to turn you into the winner you’ve also dreamed of being.

Hey, misery loves company, doesn’t it?

I’m not even going to comment on the NVQ in fitness training, or the desire to become a dietician.

Best I deal with that shite, with this brilliant quote from the movie; Tropic Thunder;

Finally, our prospective Life Coach explained how; ‘she rebuilt her life’, and so can you, with her help.

I beg to differ!

I mean what if Courtney is her Dietician, and Michelle her nutritionist!

I suppose Dr Oz (moron) would be her physician, Oprah (depressive), her and Jim Fix (died while jogging), her fitness expert!

She’s a ticking time bomb that’s about to mess with your most precious and intricate machinery.

You wouldn’t let this fucker near your fridge, let or at least none of my clients would.

Why are there never Life stories like this instead?

“Well, I grew up in a shit part of London for sure. But let’s be honest, kids don’t have a fucking clue, do they?

So I was as happy as Larry, playing with cardboard boxes behind the sofa with my imaginary friend, ‘Brian’.

I wouldn’t have had a clue what being poor meant till I was 18, and even then there were homeless people, tramps, bums, or vagrants as you might know them, who were obviously much less fortunate, so I always felt privileged.

I just thought it was normal to live in a haunted house, with an outside toilet in the garden and no bathroom.

We had Uncle, as most families do, and a Nun for an Auntie, who would you believe, was and my Dad’s sister, which made for a contribution to the Catholic dogma.

But frankly, whilst I wouldn’t wish it on my own kids, it sure helps a kid to know what bullshit and predators look like, from an early age.

I mean having an Uncle whom, given a moment alone with his nephew (me), would happily have his balls resting on my chin, then an hour later be in the local church ‘Glory Hole’, being forgiven by God himself, really teaches a kid both what a predator looks like, as well as how bullshit and hypocrisy represents itself in society, in the grandest of fashion.

So boy oh boy, did I get something great from my childhood. See for yourself by linking to it here)!

I think we call it ‘Street Smarts’ nowadays, don’t we?

It makes you ask, and want to figure things out, including people in general, not just the nasty ones. It also makes you, or rather requires you, to toughen up, think on your feet, and diffuse violence with .

Plus, it teaches how to run like fuck, or fight for your life if needs be!

But oh boy, did I get some love in my childhood!

So yeah, at 5 years old, paranormal activity seemed ok. And not going for a crap after dark in the garden toilet, with no light and spiders from Indiana Jones, taught me discipline.

No one follows you around in life with a bucket to shit in as and when you please, not in the real world, so it taught me self-control I guess.

Mind you I wasn’t out of nappies till I was 14!

Just kidding.

So I’ve always been so very happy, so loving and giving. I discovered at an early age that when everyone around me was happy, bad shit didn’t come my way, and so facilitating happiness has always been important to me.

I’d even go so far as to say, I was ‘Forrest Gump’ happy!

You need to put a positive spin on just about everything bad that happens, and I had that ability at 7.

“Jenny’s Daddy musta really loved her, cause he was always kissing her and touching her and stuff” (Forrest Gump)

But the things I remember most about my childhood would be an endless curiosity for how things worked.

I was always taking things apart, clocks, watches, radios etc. never got them back together again), and had an energy which we would nowadays call hyperactivity, causing the teachers to leave me, on my own, to run around the school playground for hours on end.

I was no child prodigy you understand, I was merely blessed with a Mum who knew her bloody role, as so few seem too, both back then, and now.

She sheltered me from both the Pedophile in the family, and Catholicism.

Neither did I ever overhear a cross word between my parents regarding money. Meanwhile, she nurtured and encouraged my energy, curiosity, enthusiasm, optimism and happiness.

So in my adult life I always felt rich, even before I became fabulously wealthy.

I’ve considered myself an athlete since I was 7, always been in outstanding shape, and stayed optimistic even through dreadful adversity, never lost the ability to laugh, especially at myself, and the situations I get into.

Never been depressed, suicidal, drug/alcohol dependent, imprisoned, obese, or suffered debilitating guilt, which isn’t to say I don’t have regrets, and plenty of them too.

For example;

This one time I was at the local park and a sex offender offered me a . I refused and ran away as fast as my little legs could carry me.

To this day I’m still haunted by the regret, that I could have taken the lollypop and still outrun the !

But I don’t carry my regrets round like a sack of bricks on my back for all to see, or use them as a sales tool.

I never had an abusive partner, though I had a mental girlfriend once. Stalkers, we call them today!

I’ve been drunk only once in my life, and totally bypassed the drinking, drug scene, and cock out there.

Always had gorgeous girlfriends and plenty of great loving sex.

In spite of losing £10 million in assets, two businesses, my legacy to my kids, my pension, reputation, and some trusted friends, I truly believe I’ve never lost anything that can’t be replaced, or rebuilt!

Besides, you never truly possess anything, and attachment is a dreadful weakness I see all around me.

Take whatever you like mate, take my life if it pleases you, but you can never take or destroy the energy, the infinite intelligence, and love contained in this energy they call Andy Dunne.

And who I , with my puny intellect, as simply ‘Me’.”

So I even see the value and can laugh about such a vile subject as the above, as I also can on being horrendously bullied throughout my school years.

Because that bullying led me to the World’s greatest martial arts coach and friend, to discovering superhuman strength, supreme self-reliance, self-discipline, self-respect and, was partially responsible for my unending quest for understanding the nature of the Human .

So is bullying a bad thing? Yes.

Am I crying about it? Fuck no.

People pay lip service to lines like; 'every cloud has a silver  or; ‘that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger’ or, ‘when the going gets tough, the tough get going’ and ‘the greater the obstacle, the more glory in overcoming it’ and so on.

But then they proceed to cry their fucking eyes out for the rest of their adult lives and expect to attract good people towards them, for the adversity they suffered. Why?

Because their cloud kept pissing rain on them, that which didn’t kill them made them weaker, when the going got tough they folded, and consequently, they never had any glory from handling adversity.

They simply don’t get that nothing good comes from adversity while you’re still crying over it, or denying responsibility for it!

The good only comes after you get past those two pitfalls.

I say fuck it, or fuck them if it’s about a person or group, then I find something funny in the tragedy, and thirdly I go out of my way to keep it to myself!

But a problem shared is a problem halved I hear you say!

Bollocks, it is!

You just burdened a dear friend with your woe, interrupted their healthy field with your corrupted vibe, and magnified the problem for yourself.

I prove this to my clients, who are both fascinated by the science, but at the same time disgusted to discover the bullshit behind ‘Talk Therapy’, as we call it.

By following the ‘fuck it, laugh and keep your trap shut’ formula above, I have never, not once, failed to benefit from adversity, and often far out of proportion to the downside.

It can take a course, before the benefit becomes obvious or manifests in your life, but it always does and will, unless you ‘cock block’ it, by crying and telling anyone that’ll listen, all your intimate business.

This is something I knocked up a while back;

"You will learn great things from your mistakes, but only after you grow the balls to stop crying about, or denying them"Blunt Coach Andy.

This is the type of story we need to hear more of in the life coaching world, in my opinion.

Anyway;

Question 4; Are you a Millionaire ?

At the risk of sounding like a prick here, I should qualify both why you need to ask this, and why it’s an important issue.

First of all, a million quid (sterling), isn’t a lot of money these days, and a million dollars is nothing to boast about, especially if you had to live off it for 20/30 years or more.

Some people answer the above question with; ‘On paper, yes, I’m a millionaire’, and for the younger ones reading this, let me explain what this ‘paper millionaire’ bullshit, means.

It means that if this dude sold his house, cars, and first born child, then added to what he has in the bank right now, he’d have a million.

I disagree with this definition of a millionaire, as you can imagine.

I also love the dude who adds up the ‘value’ of his house, car trade-ins, jewellery, art, antiques (all at top prices of course), plus his current bank balance, and his quarterly bonus due next month, and answers; ‘yeah, pretty much’!

Both of these people would be homeless and without a vehicle, if they cashed in of course, as well as using the sun to tell the time after hocking their Rolex’s.

Both guys would have to pay off their mortgages, and make good any outstanding finance on cars and so on, and provided their old enough, may just be able to see some good years out in a country like Thailand, or somewhere similarly cheap.

You do not want to be a ‘Paper’ anything in this world, let alone a millionaire.

Both the above guys would shit themselves if you asked them to write out a cheque for a million, and told them you’d be cashing it in tomorrow. Anyone that could do that for you, without borrowing against assets, is technically a millionaire.

My definition, however, is someone who could write that same cheque but doesn’t owe anyone a penny as well.

If he’s liquid, right now, to the tune of exactly a million, but still owes the bank 200k on his home, some car payments, and 50 grand to the Inland Revenue, then it doesn’t count.

Why's all this important, and what's the link to Life Coaching?

Because you’ll read in lots of business opportunities and from Life Coaches where they quote stats that say things like; 'there are 100,000 new millionaires in the world each year', (so why not you?) and I’ll let you guess which type they are, and so you won't get suckered into that trap.

So that's the paper millionaire. Then there’s ‘Old Money’ or inherited wealth, which counts for absolutely nothing, and you need to be clear on the dangers of taking advice from these Life Coach ponces, who think and talk in huge numbers.

Which is granted, not a bad thing, but you and I don’t have Mummy and Daddy Ponsonby Smyth to bail us out when it goes tits up. Nor will our parents top up our trust funds to make good any financial black hole we’ve created.

I won’t comment much on lottery winners, as their few and far between, and 80% of them are worse off inside 4 years than they were before winning the money!

Did you know, they all get offered counselling by the lottery company and financial experts upon winning, and the vast majority refuse it?

Even those that take the advice, still come unstuck.

This teaches us that being a millionaire is less about the zeroes in the bank and more about what you became on the journey.

What happened in becoming a TRUE millionaire, as described above, the trials and tribulations, the disappointments and disasters, moulds you into someone worth talking to about the subject of wealth creation.

It’s the ‘Wealth Consciousness’ your looking to take advice from, or wanting to learn about 'The Law of Attraction'.

And you need someone who either made 10’s of millions in the past, or has them now, but didn’t get them from authoring ‘The Dummies Guide to The Law of Attraction’.

You must get that distinction I hope.

You see pricks advertising; ‘discover how I make $5,000 a month, part-time, from home’

If you send them $20 and discover they do make that kind of money, it’s only because there are enough morons willing to send them $20!

And if you live in the good old wild west we know and love, called America, there surely will be.

Finally, we have the new money or often referred to as ‘Self-Made Millionaires’.

Among these are people, such as this guy’s story (mentioned above) I’ll describe below (He’s very well known to millions worldwide, and considers himself quite the entrepreneur), but I need you to watch out for his type of character, because it’s only a matter of time before this prick sets himself up as a life coach.

I can see it coming, but he hasn’t seen enough money in it yet, or is working on his content I’m guessing.

Either way, he’s insincere, sickly even, and whatever he comes up with will have untold ‘shortcuts’ or ‘Hacks’ as they call them, which will make sense to every lazy arsehole on his mailing list, and then some, but won’t work.

In direct opposition to this;

"What I deliver to the public is by far the most longwinded, convoluted, detailed, expensive and honest system of total personal development in the world today, I’ll admit to that". Blunt Coach Andy.

But here’s the shocker. I had it nailed down 10 years ago, and have spent this past decade on refining it, to the point where I believe the average person can, with some considerable effort, make sense of it, without the system losing any of its potency.

So if this is as short as I can make it, after 35 years in the making, and a further 10 in its refining stage, then exactly how vast is the subject of human performance, and thus Life Coaching as a profession?

I’m left with the same choices that these Bio Wankers and other self-help gurus have.

In other words, I can water it down, keep it simple stupid, and so what if only 10% of clients who buy it thrive on it. Or I can keep its potency intact, whilst recognising the risk of losing out on millions in business revenue.

But we're talking here, about the perils of taking advice from someone who may or may not be a millionaire in the bank, but definitely aren’t millionaires where it counts; in their mindsets.

It’s the mindset you want, and are paying for, isn’t it?

Not the zero’s in the bank.

Because if you only have the zero’s and you lose them, your fucked!

Get the mindset right, however, and the zeroes will follow in good time, plus, if you do lose some dough, you’ll always be able to rebuild it.

So here’s just one guy to be on the lookout for, and here’s his true story, so he could never sue me, but in my Blunt Coach words;

Once upon a time, there was a fat, lazy tosser called Dave Asprey.

A real 100lb overweight slob, who couldn’t go to sleep, wake up, or focus, without some form of chemical help, even in his prime.

Long story short, he formed a rubbish company which he managed to sell to some poor sap for $6 million. No stock or assets, just a dot-com idea.

A month later the company went bust!

Big regrets, but needless to say fat Dave never gave the guy any dough back.

The now rich, lazy fat prick, took a nice long holiday and spunked a ton of that money.

Still only in his thirty’s, and having traveled the world indulging himself, finding a wife (easy with $6m, even for an ugly fat twat), our guy probably checked his bank balance one day, did a little math and realized that however much he had left, at his current rate of expenditure, and allowing for inflation, would probably only last him till he was 60!

So he dug deep and spent a good deal of money promoting himself, as a new kind of guru.

A Biohacker!

Having lost most of his adiposity, which he brags was without exercise (because he’s still a lazy slob remember), he cries to the world about having spent $300,000 experimenting on himself, to create the Captain America figure, he clearly isn’t.

The reason he embarrasses himself so pitifully every time he bleats on about his big investment, and this is the only reason anyone would, is to justify to you, why you should spend your money with him.

He’s another of these Dr Mercola types, whereby he has a large following, and that large following all go into supermarkets somewhere, and spend money on general items, just as we all do.

Some of the things they buy in the supermarket might even be considered health aids, such as Himalayan salt, or coconut oil.

So he thinks ‘fuck that, don’t buy it from the supermarket or health store, buy it from me’.

He then ramps up the price a bit, because he simply can’t compete with Asda, Tesco or GNC, but puts some sales spin on the salt or oil, to give the impression it’s a cut above the rest, to justify the price.

It’s not though, it’s just that the supermarkets probably thought ‘it’s just salt or coconut oil, and were making a good margin on it’ so they leave it at that.

If supermarkets had to give a long sales blurb for every type of salt or oil on the shelves, we’d all die of confusion or Paralysis from Analysis, and never make it to the checkout.

This kind of defeats the object of running a god damned supermarket doesn’t it!

As a sales trainer and sales scriptwriter of some standing, I can tell you, that I can take dog shit to market and turn it into apple pie!

For example, I recently watched Dr Mercola painfully trying to sell his own brand of Himalayan pink salt and desperately trying to justify why you should pay over the odds for his, when it's obviously sold in every supermarket worldwide.

If I were in Mercola's shoes I’d find a small, family-owned salt company in the Himalayas, do a bit of digging, research the local climate, geology, crystal deposits, fault lines or whatever I had to until I come up with the products Unique Selling Point, or ‘USP’.

Trust me when I say I’ve never failed to do this for any company, selling any product that I’ve worked with, in 25 years.

The story (spin), would make so much sense to you when you read about it, be so convincing, and so compelling, you’d feel an idiot to buy anyone else’s brand of salt, thus mine would appear great value, in spite of the inflated price.

Of course, anyone who lives in the Himalayas, any Climatologist, Meteorologist, Chemist, Geologist, Feng Shui or Geomancy expert that read the same blurb, or heard the spin, would probably have to be taken to hospital after cracking a rib from pissing themselves laughing.

But I’m guessing you’re not an expert in any of the above, are you?

So you’ll just buy the bloody ‘Super Special, Nano, Turbo Salt’ and go recommend it to all your friends that are foolish enough to still be buying that shitty supermarket brand!

All that, and I’d achieve it without getting into any legal trouble, whatsoever.

Believe me, in sales it’s called; ‘Artful Vagueness’, and being ‘Economical with the Truth’.

Given the choice of coconut oil off the shelf or coconut oil with an ‘Amazing Story’, the story wins with consumers every single time.

It’s practically hard-wired into us, and all cultures passed on their wisdom and values through the use of storytelling, as you’ll know.

A story powerfully lowers our guard or ‘critical faculties’. If not, then Hollywood wouldn’t exist for starters!

Another one to watch out for is Mr. Asprey (fat Dave), with his ever-growing 'bollockproof' fan base, who will sell basically anything you and I currently buy elsewhere, within the realms of reason, on his site. Everything from coffee to protein powder.

Is this wanker a millionaire?

I should think so, and fair play to him if he is because this must be acknowledged, though he obviously has nightmares about ever being labelled ‘A Salesman’, which is the main reason I think he’s a wanker.

He makes this god awful noise with his throat. Kind of a gulp, a swallow of some kind, I’m struggling to describe it, when he’s in selling mode.

I’m not even sure you’ll be able to spot it or hear it, but my ‘Sincerity Sonar’ pings when he’s doing it.

Maybe I’ve been around and worked with too many drippy wankstains in my career, but I’m extremely sensitized to it.

Dr Mercola does something very faint with his voice also, but he’s more a giveaway in his facial and body signals.

That’s not to say their products are shit, and I personally don’t care where you buy your ruddy cooking oil or coffee, nor what you pay for it.

What I’m saying is, that neither of these two very successful men is qualified to teach entrepreneurialism.

And in fairness, neither of them are at the minute, but let’s just see how my spider sense is on that in the future.

Mercola will team up with someone, because he doesn’t have the balls to front it alone, and neither does the Dave dude, but he does have a massive ego (that needs a slap), so it’ll be all about him, and some mycotoxin free LED lights.

They’re both just salesmen preying on the less well-informed public with problems, and with the money in their pockets to address those problems.

But don’t look down your noses at the oldest profession in the world (sales), as well as the highest paid (not you reading this, those two above!) when it puts clothes on your kid's backs and food on the table.

The Sales industry makes the world go round, and our world as we know it would stop spinning without the good people who sell every product or service of some kind.

If they're both so ashamed of selling, then why not take all the shitty products and affiliate links off their sites, and just be a consultant, or a doctor.

Back to you dear reader;

If you fail to recognize that everything around you is being ‘Sold’ to a lesser or greater degree, and don’t know what to look out for, then expect to have Zerkses as a frequent, ‘Back Door’ visitor in your life!

I’m not even gonna start on the bored housewife, or the wanker financial adviser with an NLP qualification, that sets them self-up as a life coach!

Suffice to say, that if you have a life at all outside a monastery, then money, and the wealth creation mindset, will show up as important, and you’d better take your advice from someone that knows what the fuck he/she’s talking about, but more importantly, how to strengthen and educate your mindset in this arena.

Remember, some of the best athletes on the planet make lousy coaches, and advice from people with lots of zero’s in the bank can often be just as poor as from those that have none.

Buyer beware!

This is why you have to do your due diligence before parting with your money to a Life Coach, or any such derivative.

And you can’t do that if you’re a lazy bastard, that can’t or won’t read 50,000 words or so, before handing over your fucking house keys (your life), to a complete stranger (me).

Perhaps these might be more succinct introductions, for men who say they hate the idea of selling. First for Mercola;

‘Hi, I’m a qualified Doctor in general practice, and I thought, why don’t I offer my own ‘Guaranteed’ best quality health supplements to my patients and their pets, to ensure their and your optimum health’

Or for Dave Asprey;

‘Hi, I was once a fat wanker, with no money or girlfriend. Perhaps like you, I strived and slogged my way to find what does and doesn’t work, and spent $300,000 on the formula. Fancy a coffee?

Are those bios’ long enough do you think?

Even to drag in a bit of business from the laziest bastards you and I might know?

Of course, they are. Sadly.

They seem to be fine with tens of thousands of people worldwide, any of whom are more than welcome to join us at Blunt Coach, but fuck me are they in for a culture shock, effort-wise when they get here.

It’ll all come down to how bad they want that change in their lives, health, bank balances, physiques or careers, and it may come as quite a shock to you, that most people don’t truly want any meaningful, lasting change in their lives. Even those who hire Life Coaches!

How do I know this?

Because they’re not total retards, and they bloody well know real change won’t be easy, or a cheap date.

So they just go through the motions of merely ‘pretending’ to want change, so as to be ‘seen’ as someone who’s genuinely unhappy with being fat, poor, ill, unfit, impotent, infertile and uncharismatic, whilst truly being as happy as pigs in shit!

And to this end these people are always willing to throw a couple of hundred bucks down the toilet on seminars, courses, DVD’s, CD’s and books, to make their pseudo quest for self-mastery all the more convincing.

Does that sound cruel, and the pigs in shit comment?

It’s not their conscious mind that’s happy as a pig in shit, of course, it’s their subconscious.

Their conscious minds probably cry them all to sleep each night, and that’s what you’re using right now in reading this.

But the subconscious mind rules the roost, and its alpha programme is simply survival, followed by its second priority, to achieve that survival by expending the least amount of energy possible.

We are designed to be lazy! Never ever, ever, forget that truism.

So because whatever they did yesterday didn’t kill them, and because it didn’t take up much energy, guess what their subconscious minds will direct them towards doing today?

Reading my 50,000 words of text here, or signing up to either or both of those two wankers above, with their 500-word bios and impressive websites?

Did a light just go off in your head?

It should have, because although I’m moving away from having a dig at you personally since you’re clearly making an effort with me here, I’m slapping everyone else, to give you some insight into why we are the way we are. You and I included.

I’m also designed to take the line of least resistance and conserve energy, just as much as you are.  I have days when I ‘don’t feel like it’, and that can show up at the gym or at the keyboard, to name but two places.

But boy, does understanding what I just shared with you help to strengthen your resolve, especially when you need to resist that urge to follow your nature.

Also, unless you’re a hermit living in a cave that wants to become a more successful, healthier or happier hermit, I have to explain how the behaviour ‘patterns’ of the people you interact, work or associate with, also need to be understood, lest they influence you, or you become frustrated at not being able to help them.

This needs saying, because people who are running on automatic pilot so to speak, with their subconscious stuck in survival mode, account for 97% of the population.

This is why I say it all depends on how badly you want it.

You see, desire is the key.

Logic is a conscious rational state, and obviously, no one wants to rationally or logically be obese for example.

But desire is an emotional state, and if its a ‘White Hot Desire’, it will light up the subconscious like a Christmas tree in your favour, each time you pass by a Crispy Crème store!

At the same time, you’ll be conscious of any desire, say to look better, and may even have pictures of yourself when slim, on your refrigerator and screensaver.

In this way, you may wish to understand it as your conscious mind being able to access and control your subconscious, which many so-called experts, say is impossible.

They couldn’t be more wrong, however, and more than adequate proof is provided for this elsewhere on our site.

This article remember, is designed to help you select the right Life Coach, by discovering, through asking some very awkward questions, if they have the right credentials to receive your money, and way more importantly, your trust in allowing them, through their methods, philosophy, and personality, into your mind.

This article will also give you untold information, such as this point right now, never before read or heard of by you, nor mentioned by other trainers you may have worked with.

So by the time you’ve finished this 20,000 words, many truisms will have been freely revealed to you, as a sincere thank you for putting up with me.

The hope is that maybe you’ll read it more than once, maybe even taking notes, and looking at ways of implementing what you’ve discovered, into your daily life.

Do I want you consciously on board with my Blunt Coach thinking?

Well yes, I suppose I do, in the sense that it’ll be your conscious mind that’ll be typing in your card details when you enrol in our family membership.

But what I really want on board, and the thing that’ll help me no end to help you, is your subconscious mind. Because it calls the shots remember.

Your subconscious pays particular attention to things you put maximal effort into, things you repeat often, things you write (because your using your mind as well as accessing your visual cortex, and kinesthetic sense for writing, so a triple whammy), and as mentioned, things you have a strong desire to be, do or have.

I don’t doubt that many experts will suggest that everything in this 20,000-word single article, could have been put into bullet points, a summary, or at least a way shorter piece, that said more or less the same thing.

And that’s why these ‘experts’ are either dumb idiots, or clever marketers looking for the low hanging fruit, you know; people with the attention span of a fruit fly and 49 dollars to spend!

I absolutely need your subconscious on board in order to offer you the best service possible, and from what you now know, you should want it on board as much as I do.

But we both know it only pays attention to things you’re putting effort into, repeating, and getting excited about, usually in expectation of some reward.

It doesn’t matter that the reward isn’t here right now, or may take some time to manifest because your subconscious has no concept of time.

Instead, it just senses you beginning to grow more and more excited, with every passing moment, about being wealthy or more attractive, or whatever your desire you feel I may help you with, is.

The more you pay attention to me now, the more your subconscious moves me up the ranking of importance.

The difference if you will, between your cell phone number, and a telephone number you struggle to remember because you only use it twice a year.

Repetition is the mother of all learning and, with spaced repetition of you wanting to read more on my bio or other articles in the free section, perhaps you joining in with the blog, or who knows, becoming our client, your subconscious will soon have me ranked way above any other influences that are pulling you in an opposite direction to where you, and I, want you heading.

If there was nothing pulling you left/right or backward, then with just a tiny nudge from any positive external source, you’d have practically rolled into whatever it is you say you want, only long, long ago, all by yourself!

Does that make sense?

You’re not actually your problem, and I’m definitely not!

Your problem has been, and without understanding what I’m sharing with you right now always would have been, that the forces pushing you left, right, and holding you back, need a good South London kicking!

If I lived with you, it would be piss easy to change you, as it would be to eat right with a live-in gourmet chef, and a refrigerator full of yummy healthy treats.

But the next best thing is for me to recruit and re-programme your subconscious mind, with as many of my concepts, principles, attitudes, and philosophies as possible, 24/7.

This is brainwashing 101 my friend, and I’m not afraid to admit it, and incredibly proud to be selling it to those who desire more love, freedom, health, wealth and passion from life.

Which is why it can never be ‘simple’, ‘easy’ or ‘quick’, as the wankers would have you believe.

Also, I can’t just leave you without anything holding you in place to your left, right or behind you, can I?

How would that work?

You’d be all over the place like a Mad Woman’s Shit!

Plus, since the Universe hates a void, you’d soon replace whatever currently occupies those spaces, wouldn’t you?

And if you keep the same mindset, the same programming if you will, that helped you become unhealthy, fat, lazy, stupid, infertile, unfit, poor, unhappy or whatever, then what do you suppose you're likely to fit into the vacant left, right and rear slots this time around?

This is why people often notice a ‘Temporary’ improvement, all round in their lives.

They write the Life Coach a nice letter or testimonial, and by the time he’s posted it on his website, the client has already started back on his journey downhill again.

So I hope your cool with Brainwashing, because we're conditioned to think of this in a negative context, and that’s just more bullshit.

Look, if you had a problem with shit in your underwear, everyday…for decades, would you want a life coach who tells you; ‘there you go John’ and just hands you a clean pair of underwear?

Every day!

This is how regular life coaches make their money!

They know the problem isn’t with your underwear. They know you’ll shit yourself again, and so you’ll need another pair of pants/knickers (i.e. book, seminar, course, fire walking experience etc.), pretty damn soon.

Are you with me?

Flicking you a clean pair of drawers is a bloody breeze, and not even going to cost you much money, hence all the £29.99 products out there.

By the time you shit your pants again, you’ll have forgotten the $100 I charged you, will have assumed the problems still with your arse and not with me or my material, and will happily part with another 100 bucks till you shit yourself again!

This relationship goes on between Life Coaches and Clients for decades, and its considered ‘the norm’ would you believe.

Some couples end up spending $10,000 each, on a week’s tropical retreat with the guru, where he basically provides them with adult size, biowarfare resistant, super deodorized diapers, which he welds airtight, before sending them home!

They won’t be shitting themselves for a good while, or perhaps not until the credit card bill arrives!

I love the idea of running an exotic retreat, it has many benefits for sure, but you really want the vast majority of conditioning going on in the local environment, pre and post-retreat.

A bit like taking a Buddhist monk out of a tranquil temple he’s been in for 10 yrs. and asking him to become a New York taxi driver!

It’s pure Hollywood bollocks that these people would be able to be a cop or a taxi driver, why the hell was he in a monastery for 10 yrs. Anyhow?

What was he running away from, or afraid of?

I’ll never conquer my fear of sharks on dry land, with or without Tony Robbins’ help!

You could take an actual New York taxi driver, and give him a stint in the monastery, and see some benefits for sure. But it would need to be 10 years driving, followed by 1 year meditating, and not the other way round.

The retreat idea would be brilliant, because of the intensity of a 40 hour ‘Blunt Transfusion’ I could give my clients.

Provided the client was willing to do pre and post Blunt training to the tune of 400 hours at home. Achievable within 6 months certainly, but way more work than someone looking for ‘The Dummies Guide’, is willing to invest.

You may, of course, put it all down to your new found willpower, since you’ve been listening to this ‘Andy the Blunt Coach Guy’, or however you’ll describe me.

I’m cool with that of course, and you don’t even need to know the dialogue I’m having with your subconscious (right now in fact), any more than you need to know everything your I.T guy at work knows about your computers or software.

It says 12,613 words to here. Phew!

And well done to you, because if you really need or want to do better in life, and I suspect you do, then every single word I’ve typed, was both necessary and essential for your personal growth, wasn’t it?

I hope you can see that now.

And for the record, I’m both a shit typist and a very direct person. So if there were a way of accessing your mind in just 2 thousand words, then rest assured I’d have taken it.

But this isn’t ‘Life Coaching for Dummies’ because dummies don’t respond to real life coaching.

This is a ‘Life Coaching Masterclass’ and as straight talking and blunt as I may be, it’ll have to remain ‘out of bounds’ to the dummies and retards out there who, no doubt are wonderful people, and I sincerely mean that, but are not the type of people I’m looking to attract, simply because I know my limitations, and theirs.

So onto the next question;

Question 5; Are you Fat and out of Shape?

Well, we’ve all seen Michelle ‘The Fat Dietician’ above, and perhaps you may have noticed some other incongruities between people’s professions and lifestyles.

How about gym trainers, or personal trainers outside the gym, smoking?

Does your doctor smoke or is he obese? How about an alcoholic?

Because the medical profession has the highest rate of alcoholism, the 2^nd highest rate of suicide, and one of the lowest life expectancies of any trade.

So we can see the disgraceful incongruity, in the very profession that’s supposedly looking after our health.

How about fitness, which we must not confuse with health?

Soldiers are a classic example of this, whereby they display incredible fitness by skiing, climbing, hiking and running at altitude with packs on their backs, whilst smoking, drinking and eating shit foods, which are clearly unhealthy pursuits.

This catches up with them in time of course, but by the time their 40, the Army waved them goodbye long ago, and couldn’t give a fuck.

So our two personal fitness trainers standing outside the gym smoking and meeting up later for a booze up with the groovy gang, is a clear indicator of retardation of the highest order, but what about actually inside the gym?

As mentioned previously, any trendy boy can have a six-pack and bulging biceps in his 20’s and 30’s, and they certainly give off the look of fitness, especially to the untrained newbies off the street.

But any serious athlete or coach will tell you that, given that they're in their prime of life, their faggots.

What about your Zumba teacher?

Lovely lady for sure, but how many kilos overweight?

You know the worst type of all, for me at least?

Fat, smoking, drunkard, School P.E. Teachers.

Its political correctness gone mad when the education system has to grant role model access, to fat smokers, for fear of discrimination charges.

Even the fact that a fat arsed smoker, who gets drunk regularly (and locally), should think to apply for the post as a PE Teacher, is mind-boggling.

You, however, may discriminate at will, because you my friend (thankfully), can still decide who you place your business with when hiring your Life Coach.

If you’d prefer someone who refrains from using profanity, then you can piss off quicker than a rabbit gets fucked, and find yourself a Christian Life Coach who hits his thumb with a hammer, and yell’s; ‘oh flip, lordy lord’!

Health is a massive part of life coaching, and fitness is very closely tied to our health. Our bodies are built to move, stretch, walk or run, every single day.

Health and fitness, or the lack of it, is very difficult to spot in a 20 or 30 yr. old.

It’s a bit easier to spot a salad dodging, gym averse 40 yr. old, and since it’s practically impossible to have enough life experience, knowledge and wisdom before 50, then a Life Coach that’s overindulged on the ‘falling down water’, an ex-smoker, drug user or gym dodger, should stand out like a bulldog’s bollocks!

Stay away from the fatties, and the emaciated drawn Hollywood types.

Dr Mercola looks like he should be haunting a house somewhere, for Christ sake!

A man gets to 50 and doesn’t need to look like a bloody gladiator, but neither should he look like an 18 yr old boy, or an 80 yr old vegan that needs an intravenous meat pie.

I’m well aware of the dangers of prejudgment, and I have to live with my fair share of it.

For me, it’s not easy having a shaven head, a healthy tan, the body of a 30yr old gladiator, a face for radio, and the voice of a common man, with a colourful vocabulary to match.

With a background in combat sports, unafraid of confrontation, and yes, even a televised criminal conviction for defending myself against 2 drunks on a public railway platform (see BBC Crimewatch ‘The Smiling Attacker’), the word ‘Thug’ will scream out to many who see me for the first time.

So what goes around comes around, and finding someone who ‘looks the part’ in the Life Coaching arena, will be the least of your worries. Your big problem will be the dogshit content these handsome people peddle.

It was originally suggested to me that we use a ‘front man’ to front Blunt Coach, as Steve was still a little young at 23.

The person suggesting this to us, demonstrated a clear lack of understanding of how important direct transmission, along with the complete sincerity of the author, actually is.

To use a well-spoken handsome dude, possibly with a qualification to assist credibility, would be a complete insult to my clients, who still possess the critical faculties necessary, to separate the message from the messenger.

I was once crying to a work friend about how mean my martial arts coach was to me. I was 20 at the time, and the friend was a sales mentor aged 75.

He explained to me how teachers very often lose students, but never a good student because a good student is able to separate the quality of the teaching from the teacher’s personality.

He asked me “so what’s the quality of this guy Steve Morris’s training Andy?”

I replied “second to none”. “Then you have your answer boy!” said wise old Eric.

Now that’s wisdom. The greatest retail menswear salesman I’ve ever known, putting me straight on sticking with my very own Blunt Martial arts Coach.

Judge me on my quality content before you go looking for a vegan, pacifist, Quaker, Christian life coach, that’ll be as much use to you as an ashtray on a motorbike!

What you’ll never see from my son or me, are two fat fuckers, drinkers and smokers, drug users, gamblers, or couch potatoes. And we absolutely practice what we preach.

Are we saying to take no advice from anyone who’s not fit or in shape? Absolutely not.

If you’re going to a neuroscientist (as we do), for the absolute bang up to date information on the brain or sleep disorders, then obviously he can be the shape of the Pillsbury Doughboy for all we care.

But if these two words; Life Coach, show up anywhere in the person’s blurb, then we have an issue with them, if they’re not walking the walk.

Or worse still like that fat cow Michelle, giving you advice on a healthy lifestyle, whilst giving themselves special dispensation on bullshit genetic grounds, or age.

If I ever get fat, slow, weak or unhealthy you’ll know, because I’ll shut the fuck up about diet, nutrition, and exercise, and hand those batons over to Steve, then switch from Life Coach as a title to Optimum Performance Coach, or some other such title.

Let your instincts run free on this one please, I doubt you’ll be far wrong if you pre-judge anyone in this field, including me.

Besides, you’re hardly prejudging if you’ve just read 13,800 words, are you? So if your gut says I’m wrong for you, and my content makes no sense then Do One! (go).

So where are we now?

Question 6; Have you owned your own gym?

I’ll admit that’s a bloody odd question to ask a life coach, and had I not owned my own gym at one stage, I’d see no reason to ask it.

In fairness though, if your life coach answers no, don’t hold it against them.

Fitness has played a huge part in my family’s life, as well as taught us the most fabulous lessons, all of which transferred beautifully to both my business and personal world.

Although I stress it comes in at a distant 4^th place in the grand scheme of things, behind Health, Happiness and Wealth, it’s still huge.

Look, if you’re not healthy, happy, and have no fucking money, then you’re in no position to be joining a gym are you?

Before we ever owned a gym (‘Simply Women’ and ‘Saints and Sinners’ in South London), I’d already been around fitness and gyms for 24 years and coaching in Martial Arts for 20 of those years. Many life coaches will have similar perspectives, having been involved in a sport, or even a coaching role themselves.

But six months after starting the gym up, I realised I needed a radical change in the way I coached, and I doubt that realisation would have come about, without the ownership angle, and here’s why;

When you coach a group, say in a yoga class, or an individual, you have the group’s attention and, if you’re alongside them, the individuals also. This screens out a lot of whatever else may be going on in that sports hall, or gym.

But sooner or later your students will venture off for themselves, without your supervision, and this is where your problem starts.

Although I have great situational awareness in any given location, when I’m working out in a busy gym, I tend to be tightly focused on what I’m doing. Novices, however, often aren’t.

Of course, we can all think of some of the idiots we’ve observed in a gym doing ridiculous routines, exercises, or using bad form, even on good exercises. Too short a rest period, or too long in between exercises, sets or reps, for the goals of the trainee.

The use of belts, straps, gloves and other contraptions that might be used by a professional athlete busting their balls, but inappropriate for anyone else.

Or how about a fat arsed girl taking a break from weight training, and waiting for her spin class to start, by quaffing down a ‘Super Healthy’ fruit smoothie!

A fruit smoothie that is, that contains more calories than she’ll have burnt off in both workouts combined.

I don’t want to go into this too deeply as it is, as stated, unfair to other Life Coaches, but whilst most people are aware of some of the things going on, the one person that’s acutely aware of everything is the gym owner.

No one cares more about the equipment, and the people using it than the owner. Nor does anyone really care too much about everyone else’s goals, since most don’t have their own, and membership retention, or the general health of the members, is the last thing on anyone’s mind.

If someone overdoes it, they might compromise their immune system, and drop out of the programme due to ill health, or if they undertrain, they’ll drop out through demoralization at not hitting their goals. And if they fuck your equipment up in the process, it’ll cost you more money still.

Some trendy New Zealander, wearing his tiny black vest proudly stating ‘Personal Trainer’, just wants to pay the rent and score some pussy, or more likely Arse!

They’re not really trained to any kind of acceptable standard anyhow, trust me, a retarded gibbon could pass any NVQ, or whatever today’s version of a YMCA fitness/personal trainer qualification is.

And don’t get me started on how fucking easy it is to be ‘qualified’ to teach TRX or CrossFit. It’s a bloody joke.

So you may want to imagine for a moment, that most Life Coaches are like those ‘Personal Trainer’ types, and the truly elite Life Coaches are the gym owners.

As usual, I’m leading up to a huge point here, and there’s no quick way of getting there.

No moron is going to spend as much time with me as you have today, and thus, I assume, you want me to validate or qualify any claims I may be making, so I will.

Remember, if I went on TV tomorrow, I wouldn’t have a clue which camera to look into, or which outfit to pick from a wardrobe department that paints me in the best light. Nor would I have a PR department to promote me, or a manager to set anything up.

Any slick internet guru or Life Coach will have all this and more, together with a ton of clichéd bullshit, and stock in trade comebacks the public expect from these performers.

This is because their all full of shit!

Their content sucks, and is at best, 10% effective.

I believe that the very best Life Coaches in the world, are hidden from view.

They work for private corporations, or mega-wealthy families and so on, and you wouldn’t recognise them if you passed them on the street.

Do they earn as much as say, Tony Robbins?

No way, but they earn a tidy 1 to 3 million a year, and live very, very comfortably.

They will have a background in non-team sports, athletics, martial arts, business and, or possibly, a high level in the military.

These men and women would never trade their professionalism, integrity, effectiveness and anonymity for Robbins’ alleged half a billion $, and a ton of low hanging fruit (his clientele).

How do I know this?

Because I just described myself (minus the military), for fifteen of the past twenty years!

I wouldn’t tell you who the others are if I did know, and I honestly don’t. But I can’t have been the only one in that scenario, and well aware of the bullshit being dished up by the mainstream Personal Development/NLP bollocks, industry.

There had to be at least a dozen men and women around the world, just like me, or better, laughing at the disjointed, out of sequence shit, being dished up to an unsuspecting public.

At the same time, they would have felt anger at what they know to be true being withheld from the education system, small business owners doomed to failure, and the prison systems, now privatised and full of misguided people that the prison shareholders want more of, the judicial system can’t do without, the police would struggle to justify their numbers without, and the parasitical psychologists, and psychiatric scum spongers adore.

No one in their right mind wants to be a guru to 4 million searchers, broken and sad, with at best a 10% success rate, and recognised by every moron and kidnapper on every street corner in the world.

Not when you can have your next door neighbours simply know you as a sales trainer or business consultant, as mine did.

With that out of the way, I need to lead to this point, which ties into the ‘Have you ever owned a gym’ question.

Being a son, father, partner, lover, friend, brother and so on, has, as I’m sure it has for you, taught me many valuable life lessons.

Having been an employee for 5 years and self-employed for 35, owning a restaurant, 4 sales companies, a cleaning company, martial arts dojo, gym, an offshore business consultancy, and being retired, all taught me more still.

Building a £15 million fortune and losing the lot, by bad associates, dodgy accountants, freemason lawyers and sham friends, is a lesson, although rather avoided, I highly recommend you try at some point, to see what you're made of.

The loss of an amazing reputation, and the respect it carried, rather than be an informer to the authorities, was a humbling experience, as is taming the savage within me, day by day.

Even the first 10 years of my life, chronicled in my bio for your entertainment on this site, will give you some ideas, as it did me.

But nothing could have prepared me more for being a Life Coach, nothing has taught me more, in terms of principles, concepts, attitudes and philosophies, and nothing has made me more of a man than my adventure into the fighting arts, my association with my mentor, and particularly my first 10 years of the most brutal training I ever imagined I could endure.

All I want to know is this;

Where did your Life Coach get his or her Mojo from?

Because like I said, unless he or she came from an elite athletic background (not CrossFit please), a fighting art or a leadership role in the military (not a Navy Seal or SAS man, please), then I’d love to know from where does it come?

Because as diverse and interesting as my life has been, from working as a doorman in a Brixton nightclub, tied to a fucking chair and tortured in Norbury, chased by an army of police on a trial bike across Tooting Bec common, appearing on the BBC, to being the only Sales Trainer in the world classed as ‘Excellent’, by the Financial Services Authority, nothing has ever come close to trumping what that training did for me.

I even once worked for a Canadian company that only ever recruited ex, semi or professional athletes, sportsmen or newly demobbed soldiers, and then only from the Parras or Marines and such. They absolutely wouldn’t touch joe public with an antiseptic bargepole, in spite of them all thinking how hard or talented they were.

The even sent a spy along, to watch me go through my paces at the dojo, and interviewed my parents before hiring me at 21, but they were spot on in doing that I believe.

So what’s the story with your Life Coach?

And no, getting gang raped by the Harlem Globetrotters when they were 10, and losing their piggybank money don’t count. I’m talking something truly character building, which they did for 20 years or more, and perhaps even still do it now.

The Harlem Globetrotter thing, character building as it may seem to some, would’ve lasted a mere hour.

Or 2 if they were lucky!

And don’t confuse something like MMA with these CrossFit faggots.

There is nothing on God's green earth quite like voluntarily stepping into a ring or octagon with someone who’s trying to smash your face in, or having people shooting at you and trying to blow you to bits with tanks and drones.

Or how about the responsibility and discipline of working underwater for months on end, in a nuclear submarine!

Where does the special sauce come from, in your Life Coach?

Bollocks to having six kids, 3 wives, or an abusive boss once or twice in your life.

You want a gym owner, not a Kiwi fitness knob head if you get my meaning at last.

Find your Life Coaches X-factor or give them a miss.

Question 7; How many Children do you have?

I think for anyone with children, this question will be a no-brainer since having children changes us all in so many ways, and I believe, for the better.

For those without children though, and those who perhaps don’t get the relevance to Life Coaching that being a parent has, it’s worth a quick discussion here.

Becoming a Mum or a Dad obviously is the single most important step towards fulfilling your duty as a member of the species, in passing your genes on. It’s hardwired into us all.

You survive, and you do this while expending the least amount of energy, and you make babies that you help survive till puberty!

That’s about it, at life’s most basic level.

Everything else you do or get good at only sits on top of, or are accessories to these three basic drives.

If I become a good hunter, I’ll expend less energy than a bad hunter. I’ll have a better chance of survival, and make healthier babies.

If I become smarter, I can build a safer shelter and spend the whole day hunting a giant pig containing 50,000 vitamin and mineral packed calories for my family. We can use the organ meat for its nutrient density, fat for fire, bones for tools and weapons, the skin for clothing, and even feed the dogs who protect our camp with the scraps.

Or I can be a vegetarian and have an unsafe shelter, because it takes me a week to dig up or pick 50,000 calories of mostly indigestible fibre and starch, containing a fraction of the bioavailable nutrients of any wild game, zero use in the way of tools or clothing, and my dogs will piss off from starvation, and quit looking after me at night!

Everything ties back to survival you see, and so will the changes a person makes after having kids.

• You have to become more efficient with your time.
• You must sometimes place the needs of others over your own.
• You become more responsible.
• More patient.
• Caring
• Nurturing
• You will develop a sense of pride from being instrumental in another person’s growth and development.
• Your intuition as to what someone needs or wants develops in the absence of speech.

I’m sure that, buy now, you’ll believe me when I tell you I could go on all day regarding parenthood. But I really just wanted to put something in here for the non-parents, who may not have instantly made the connection to better Life Coaching.

In a nutshell; Better and Bigger Life Experiences, lead to bigger and Better Life Coaching!

Question 8; How many times have you failed in life?

You may have heard it said that ‘Your success in life will be in direct proportion to your willingness to fail’

I think the worst kind of life coach would be someone who’s led a ‘charmed life’, where everything in comparison to you and me perhaps, has appeared to go smoothly for the coach.

The second worst type I can think of would be where there’s only been what I call ‘Chicken Shit’ dramas and the like. The sort of thing millions of people go through every day; divorce, redundancy, cancer, obesity and so on.

Sorry if you feel that’s cuntish, but I award no medals to anyone for getting over a divorce or cancer. Both are self-inflicted by either neglect, stupidity or ignorance, as is obesity or anything else in life.

Being abused as a child is of course inexcusably horrible, but again, I don’t count it as an example of a ‘failure’ that somehow makes you a stronger person, or better suited to coaching.

Surprisingly, I’m going to depart from this topic early, for fear of going too deep, or giving other Life Coaches reading this the tools with which to answer the question for you.

All I ask of you is that you see through the;  ‘I used to be a 100lbs overweight, one-legged, black, vegan, lesbian, ex-heroin smugger’, life coach, for what he or she truly is, and always will be.

A Train Wreck!

If I ask you instead to look for things that would make you personally buckle, then what if you’re a lightweight yourself?

Do you have nervous breakdowns from cancelled flights or road rage in gridlock?

Do you run to the doctor’s every time you feel under the weather, or share all your troubles over the garden fence with your neighbour?

So you either know exactly what I’m getting at here, or you don’t have a clue, it’s always one extreme or the other I find. And since I don’t know you, I’d prefer to leave it well alone.

Hey, 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce, and 1 in 3 people will have a run-in with cancer, so if they merited the attention they get for being so tragic, then half the planet would be dead or missing in action, wouldn’t they?

Just look for adversity overcome, but from a new angle, if you can.

I find it highly suspicious when you can read everything you need to know about your new life coach in a couple of thousand words.

Is this because the public is so damn retarded and dimwitted, that the life coach would get no business if he/she ‘bored them to death’ with a life, or at least, part life story?

I can’t believe this is true.

Or is it because the ‘Life Story’ would be so dull and full of underachievement, so very average and black and white, that I’d obviously be better off hiring my bartender as a life coach.

I’d want to know the ins and outs of the cats’ arse about someone before I let them into my wallet, my home, and my head.

The older I get the less time I have to waste on these idiots, who want to take care of my Universe, Health, Nutrition, Fitness, Happiness, Finances, and Children.

From my early 20’s to mid-40’s I have spent countless hours (never mind the money), on cry baby’s like Tony Robbins, or creepy fuckers who all seem to not swear, and all say they believe in Jesus Christ.

Bear in mind I’m no fast learner either, so would often persevere with material far longer than you might, before aiming it at the bin.

I still read most books 3 times before declaring them ‘Shit’, and 5 times before declaring them brilliant.

That’s a lot of effort. And I know you’ll be thinking it wasn’t time wasted, but a sorting process I needed to go through to arrive at all the brilliant stuff I've discovered (hey thanks for the life coaching tip).

But since I hit 50 I became able to look at similar books, courses, coaches and the like, and just know their bullshit in a fraction of the time.

It’s an actual scientific principle called; ‘Thin Slicing’.

Believe it or not, if you’re in a burning house or being attended by paramedics, then in spite of the fact they may all be equally trained and qualified, the older medic or firefighter is the one who will spot ‘what happens next’, with uncanny accuracy, and not the person with just 10 years under their belt.

Customs officers are the best example of this. Never ever try to bullshit the older ones, and pray their all in their 20’s or 30’s when you walk through the ‘nothing to declare’ exit with 10,000 cigarettes up your arse!

Science hasn’t caught up to how we ‘older folk’ do it as yet, though it’s pretty obvious that the older firefighter, for example, is receiving information processed in his subconscious at an astonishing rate, yet through his conscious, rational, logical mind.

The younger firefighter, of course, has exactly the same vast information gathering and processing subconscious, but by the time any of the important facts get passed to his conscious mind, if ever, he wakes up in hospital to discover that the floor collapsed, but was saved in the nick of time by the older man! (that's a true story in fact)

Pray that if ever you're taken into a hospital A and E department, unconscious and with mysterious symptoms, that you're attended by someone with grey hair and a bow tie, rather than some kid high on caffeine, coming off a 16-hour shift.

So thin slicing comes with masses of experience, and the only time it shows up in the under 40’s is in sports. Venus Williams and Tiger Woods, for example, were both playing their sports at 4, and by the time they were 24 had put in three lifetimes worth of ‘Normal’ effort.

‘Talent is Overrated’

That’s the title of one of my favourite books by the way. (By Geoff Colvin)

And on the subject of talent, and ‘The Greatest Story Ever Sold’ it brings us to the penultimate awkward question for your prospective Life Coach;

Question 9; Do You Believe in God?

Sorry, did I say ‘Glory Hole’ earlier by the way?

While I was talking about Catholicism and my paedophile Uncle Jimmy.

I did, didn’t I?

How embarrassing.

My apologies to any Catholics reading this. Obviously when I said ‘Glory Hole’, I actually meant to say ‘Confession Box’

Sorry again for any confusion, or distress I may have caused to any virgin mothers or choir boys out there, and I doubt you’d even know what a ‘Glory Hole’ is anyhow, though I’m sure ‘Father Michael the Immaculate’ could clear things up for you at tonight’s mass, for a small contribution of course.

Just ask him why don’t you!

No, I clearly meant the ‘Confession Box’, that I’m sure you’re all so familiar with, where all your sins are washed away with fairy dust, and the slate is wiped squeaky clean for another week of hypocrisy.

You with me now?

Yeah, so just to be clear then; definitely not a ‘Glory Hole’, but a serious, honest to goodness confession box……..

 With a waist-high hole, drilled out for the priest’s cock to stick through!

As you can guess, I’m an Atheist!

‘Really’ I hear you say, ‘No shit’

Entertaining the idea of a supernatural deity is a bit of a stretch for me to be honest, especially one with powers such as Omnipotence, Omniscience, and Omnipresence.

But let’s just run with this for a bit, as I doubt you’ve ever considered it from the point of view of a Life Coach.

‘Omni’ is simply Latin for ‘All’

Omni-potence means ‘All Powerful’. That’s power over physics, gravity, wind, and water etc.

Omni-science means ‘All Knowing’. God’s aware of everything. Past, present and future. That’s total knowledge we’re talking about, both of what is currently known, as well as all that can be known.

Omni-present means ‘All Present’. God’s everywhere at the same time. The entire Universe doesn’t have one nook or cranny he doesn’t inhabit!

In other words, and in reverse order for an example; He’s ‘Present’ at this precise moment with a starving disabled child, somewhere in drought torn Africa, whose dying of AIDS.

He ‘Knows’ this child’s immense suffering, pain, and torment.

And he has the ‘Power’ to grow the child’s legs back, destroy the aids virus, and make it rain.

This frightened child is an orphan and will die tomorrow at 10 pm, when a Lion will enter his meagre shelter, savagely tear him limb from limb, and eat him.

God knows this because he booked the appointment with the lion!

God knows the child is alone in the world, so it’s not as if his suffering is a ‘Test’ for anyone.

God even knows that this child has never had contact with any religion, and therefore doesn’t even have the luxury of faith, or being watched over by a higher power. So it can’t be a ‘Test’ for the child either.

God knows where you are, I am, and that I, nor anyone else, will be turning up to rescue the poor child.

God made the child, the Aids virus, and the lion!

And thus God’s a Total Arsehole!

Or at least he would be.

If he fucking existed that is.

Which of course he doesn’t, except in the imaginations of 3 billion morons worldwide.

Of those 3 billion, which makes it sound awfully impressive, I’m guessing 20% are children, who may also believe in the Easter Bunny, and 20% are elderly people concerned with death, fearful, and just covering all the bases!

20% are no doubt, complete hypocrites, practising the faith as and when it suits them.

20% are weak minded people seeking direction and guidance, a ‘Highway Code’ or ‘Dummies Guide to Life’ if you like. The Bible serves this purpose beautifully, especially for any unquestioning idiots with no interest in theology and history.

And the last 20% of religious types (not Buddhists or Hindu perhaps), are absolute lunatics!

Suicide bombers, paedophiles, puritanical idiots, freedom fighters, and the sort of dick heads that would smack a child for touching themselves in the bath.

This 20%, is no doubt historically responsible for more atrocities, wars, death, torture, persecution, and slavery, than the rest of the world combined. All in the name of God!

I doubt we should count Nutters, non-practising hypocrites, and children under the age of consent when we tally up how many people globally surrender their lives and money to this madness. So what are you left with?

The simple-minded 20% and some scared older folk (another 20%), many of whom would also have been nutters or hypocrites themselves back in the day!

So 40%, at best, of 3 billion, is 1.2 billion.

Our global population today stands at 7.4 billion.

My first point is that these people are, therefore, in the vast ‘Minority’, in spite of every politician, TV personality, athlete, and absolutely anyone selling anything, appearing to believe, and forever thanking ‘The Lord Jesus’ for any achievements, however petty, at any opportunity they can find.

How small minded would an all-powerful creator need to be to grant the favour for one man in a 100-meter sprint, over the other 7 runners?

Get a Life Coach, God!

Next, even if you are one of the ‘Merry Men’ who follows this minority thinking, yet are still ballsy enough to challenge God’s plan for you, you know, the plan that made you poor, fat, unsuccessful, and gave you dandruff, then you already have a Life Coach, don’t you?

Not the ‘Big Man’ himself, of course, he's busy in Africa, I’m talking about one of his many minions to be found on most street corners, enjoying free accommodation, local respect, tax-free status, and underage sex!

I’m deadly serious, because if you find a Life Coach who’s also ‘a believer’ in your fairy tale, and it turns out you don’t get yourself sorted, but instead gain yet another 20 pounds, lose another business, another wife and another testicle, then you know what the final analysis has to be, don’t you ‘Brother’

“The Lord Doth Move in Mysterious Ways My Son” (now suck my cock, Garry!)

So better you invest a small sum with your local parish; ‘Father Bejazus’, than waste a few grand with a ‘believer’ Life Coach for the same failure. The failure with the priest will leave less of a bad taste in your mouth, if you’ll pardon the obvious pun!

Maybe, as a sincere man, I’m a rare breed, but were I to believe in a god, then I could never escape the thought that whatever I say or think, and however much help and service I render to you, together with however much work you put in, if the man in the clouds deems it not to be, then we're both doomed!

I wouldn’t recommend you attempt to reconstruct important components of your life such as Health, Happiness, Fitness, Wealth and so on, on a; ‘Suck It and See what God thinks, Basis’

No pun intended that time (honestly).

Because that’s exactly how your subconscious mind will approach things if you're rooted in a dogmatic belief system involving supernatural deities and master plans.

What do you think happens to a person when they enter a race with the thought that all the other runners are better than them?

How do you think it turns out when that runner's coach say’s ‘Give it your best shot’?

Do you know any gold medallists who set off with; ‘I’ll give it a good try’?

What did Master Yoda say to Luke, when he said he’d try?

"Do, or Do Not, there is no Try!"

I love ‘Faith’, and to successfully coach anyone, the client or student needs to have faith in a great many things.

Not the least of which, is faith that some unseen third party won’t take offence at our efforts to interfere with his own agenda (God’s plan) for my client.

I can’t overemphasize the power and control your subconscious mind has over the outcome of any ‘Self Help’ programme you might undertake.

It is simply incapable of overriding strongly held beliefs and has a tremendous duty to manifest those beliefs in your day to day life.

Couple this with the fact that we’re all guilty of something, aren’t we?

Some of us have done less bad things than others for sure, but all of us without exception, have misbehaved.

Spewing it out in a confession box is as retarded as discussing it with a shrink, and I truly doubt that even the most devout Catholic ‘spills all his beans’ at confession (snigger, snigger).

If you aren’t dumb enough to believe ‘it’s all forgiven’ simply because you confessed it and put money in a hat, which few are I imagine, then it’s going to be on your mind. Especially if you have to walk past your neighbour’s car you damaged every day, knowing he’s out of pocket with the repairs or lost his job while it was off the road!

To imagine that someone with supreme powers was present when you drove off because no one was looking will always be sending a message to your subconscious that you may potentially face punishment.

Rationally and logically, you may well understand that God’s forgiven you, and your neighbours will all have Rolls Royce’s in heaven anyhow.

But your subconscious is way smarter than any organised religion. It knows of ‘an eye for an eye’ and has no idea of faith.

It’ll entertain the possibility of you getting found out, punched in the face or arrested, every bit as much as it might entertain you being forgiven.

But because the negative always outweighs the positive (for survival purposes), and because there’s always going to be bumps in the road, when you hit one, you’ll cling onto ‘This is not God’s plan for me’, like shit to a blanket.

And bail, quit, or fold your tent amongst a plague of brilliant, credible excuses that people often cite as ‘Reasons’ for failure!

And fuck me! (your poor Life Coach), because you'll be thinking 'he's been paid and he must be used to failures', right?

Let me share more inner workings of your mind with you, so as you may fully grasp the point above.

If you hear me say; ‘it’s a sad day today’ you’ll ask; ‘for who?’

Your subconscious, however, on hearing the same statement, runs what’s called a transderivational search, a bit like Google, where it thinks of all the possible meanings it could ascribe to the phrase, but more importantly, it holds all of the results of the search as equally true!

It does this search in order to make sense of my saying ‘it’s a sad day’

For example, it could be a sad day for me, you, the Russians, the rainforest, the Earth, the oceans, or any other of the many possibilities. And your mind does this search in the blink of an eye.

Someone I’ve trained in sales or hypnotism, knows that if they were to say to you ‘John, you must start to seriously think about owning this car’ Your conscious mind will say (in your head usually), ‘Fuck off, don’t tell me what to buy’ or words to that effect.

When the subconscious hears its Master (you via your conscious mind) say; ‘Fuck off, don’t tell me what to buy’ it assumes you have a good course of action, and scrubs its own list of possibilities.

Your conscious mind is your ‘jobsworth security guard’ that protects its master (you) from outside manipulation. Its job is to resist anything that doesn’t seem like ‘your idea’, coming from ‘outside’ to inside, so to speak.

The best salespeople on the planet know this, and so they don’t try to sell to the conscious mind. The words they speak simply engage the conscious mind, like a thief might distract a security guard in a heist movie, perhaps asking for directions, while his friends enter unnoticed through the back door, to steal the treasure.

Remember, I constantly want you rewarded for sticking with me, and unless I chop this article up into smaller chunks, which I’m unlikely to do, it's showing me 19,595 words!

So here is a sales and hypnosis technique, unknown to 99% of the world’s population that, if you grasp hold of it, you can use it in any situation, to control and manipulate people, for any reason you see fit.

Check out these two statements, and note the changes;

‘John, you must seriously start to think about owning this car’

Or; ‘John, a car lover might seriously start to think about owning this car’

I changed only ‘You’ (personal) and ‘Must’ a direct order aimed squarely at the listener, for the words; ‘a car lover’ and ‘might’

Because I haven’t said ‘You’ I bypass the critical faculties of the conscious mind (security guard, whom I’m still engaging in conversation remember), and slip in the back door.

The subconscious hears ‘A Car Lover’ and ascribes all possible meanings to it.

One of which must be describing his master, John, who is indeed a car lover.

I don’t care about any other possible meanings that John’s subconscious may have come up with during its TDS (search) since all of them are held in equally high regard, so the one I want to get through becomes as powerful as any, but in my favour.

I also said a car lover ‘Might’ seriously start to think about… etc.

Again, ‘might’ is suitably vague and weak to pass the front gate security, because it merely suggests something is possible, rather than definite.

The subconscious again ascribes all possible versions, Might seriously, Might not seriously, etc. As long as the one I want is in there, i.e. John might seriously……I’m happy.

Because now the next part of the line speaks for itself;

‘Start to think about owning this car’ (a beautiful hypnotic suggestion in itself)

John will simply find himself becoming more and more attracted to the idea of ownership, as his subconscious whips up a chemical cocktail that elicits emotions like, pride of ownership, status, power, and more success with the ladies.

By the time John’s signing on the dotted line, he’ll be 100% convinced this is his decision alone, and I was nothing more than a helpful showroom assistant.

He’ll tell people ‘You should see this car I’ve bought’

As opposed to ‘You should see this car they sold me’

No one likes being ‘Sold’ stuff because it infers we’ve been duped, stitched up, or taken advantage of.

Idiots in high places (Government) believe that people I trained used high-pressure sales tactics, on vulnerable people over the telephone.

It never seems to occur to them, that anyone 200 miles away on a telephone, can just hang up!

Or that there’s more skill in professional selling than they can ever imagine!

And, that you don’t make over £150 million in sales, over a decade, by looking for a few Alzheimer’s victims amongst 65 million people!

The reason for this tiny sales lesson here is to provide you with some insight as to how you tick, and why I avoid religious clients like the plague.

"Regardless of being well paid, either way, my own professional pride in my work would never warrant me coaching a one-legged man in an arse kicking contest" 

To set out on a journey of lasting transformational change with someone, but who has a ‘stock in trade’ excuse of ‘I guess it wasn’t God’s will’ already lined up for me, well, that just sucks, especially if you understand a little about bioenergetics and the interconnectivity of the Universe.

You know how sometimes you think of your Mum, and the phone rings!

Obviously, it’s hard to be any more connected to another person than you will ever be to your mum, and the phone call out of the blue is the best example of this.

What most people don’t realise is, that you are connected to everyone else on the planet as well.

Imagine the connection to your mum as being like a giant steel cable that might be used to suspend a bridge, or hold an ocean liner in place.

And the connection to someone you’ve never met who lives in China would be like a single strand of a spider’s web, at the other extreme.

You and I were once similarly connected, but now it might be more like a strand of hair.

As time goes by, and our connection grows stronger, I will become more susceptible to any pain and suffering you may be going through.

Metaphorically speaking, of course, a strand of spider’s web or a human hair can no more compete with a piece of string, than the string can with your mum’s steel cable.

But strings still thick, and strong enough to stretch between two empty tin cans, and for two kids to have a conversation down it, 50 yards apart.

You may feel yourself feeding on my strength, which is what some refer to as ‘motivation’, you may I hope, even begin to feel inspired and energetic, as your body is filled with renewed hope for your future.

You may say, ‘Wow, this guy Blunt Coach Andy, can really help me change some things in my life’

Well, it’s my energy that’ll be helping you, and even as you look down and read these words, right here and now, your connecting with my energy.

As a young guy, and before I knew any of this, I would often like to hang out in libraries of all places. Not where you’d expect to find a Brixton, Bruce Lee wannabe and biker who was into glam rock, granted.

But I always had this weird feeling in libraries, where I’d imagine being surrounded by the greatest minds that have ever lived (authors), and somehow feeling smarter than my education should have permitted.

I never walked out of a library without knowing more, or better understanding something, than when I walked in.

What I’m saying is, that energy flows both ways, my friend, and whilst I don’t mind a temporary drain on my soul here and there, before I get the payback from the energy I’ll receive from your success and triumphs, I hope you can see why I avoid working with certain types of people.

Who’d have thought it, we’re all Energy Vampires!

I’m sure you have friends or associates that get you buzzing and up till 4 am when you’re with them, and then people who, after an hour at lunch with them you need a nap or a razor blade!

You could be sleeping in a shop doorway for all I care, and I’d still give you all my love and help to get you back on your feet. Because that’s my purpose in life, as well as my profession.

But a person driving a Rolls Royce that believes in God, and is a vegetarian to boot, is a different animal!

That person thinks they’ve got something I want (money), but you now understand they’ve also got something I don’t want (their energy), don’t you!

Fuck me, a God-fearing leaf eater, that’s a tough nut to crack because many life problems stem from poor health, which of course starts with the diet!

All problems are then further amplified by strongly held beliefs, many of which I can overcome.

But the real problem I often encounter is the ‘Level of Investment’ a client has in any of their ‘self-limiting beliefs’.

It’s hard to think of anyone that’s ‘more invested’, than a Scientologist or a 40 yr. believer in Christianity.

When vegetarians discover the truth about how poor a dietary choice they’ve made, in spite of reams of scientific evidence and tons of good sense, they resist it like a drunk resisting arrest!

No one wants to feel like a mug, do they?

And no one’s going to feel a bigger mug than someone that’s been bashing the bible down people’s throats for 40 years, or extolling the ‘benefits’ of a plant-based diet, to literally anyone that’ll listen.

Plus, these people have often ‘converted’ loved ones, or even their own children, into believing in fairy dust, or that there’s vitamin A to be found in carrots (try zero)!

People seldom seek the help of, let alone pay money to someone who’ll call them a bonehead, or make them feel like one at the outset, because of what they ate for breakfast, who they prayed to before bed, or for the stupid CrossFit workout they did yesterday!

It’s obvious to me, that every Life Coach out there is well aware of this because every single one of them has a ‘one size fits all’ bullshit, two-faced attitude towards their clientele.

I’ve done something similar in the past myself, not in life coaching, but many years ago one of our companies was basically a cleaning company. But I convinced the missis to give the impression we were a property maintenance firm.

We’d price a cleaning job up, and someone would ask us, ‘do you know any good plumbers’?

‘Oh, we do plumbing’ I’d say.

‘Do you do electrical work’?   Of course!

We were decorators, roofers, locksmiths, you name it, and I never had a clue what I was doing!

Debbie used to cringe at some of the jobs I’d take on, I was so seriously out of my depth.

But if I couldn’t fix it in a few hours of trial and error, I could always get a tradesman in, subcontract the work to him, and still make a few quid.

Anyway, that’s getting a bit off track from ‘Do You Believe in God’, but it’s exactly what these Life Coaches are doing.

I just hope that someone reading this finds a Life Coach (who charges a grand an hour, or ten grand for a weekend), and asks him that question one day, and when the coach say’s ‘of course, I absolutely believe in, and love the holy Jesus spirit brother’ that the guy asking the question tells him; to ‘fuck off then’!

Question 10; What qualifies you to coach?

Well, if you can like me for not having been a total screw up, then perhaps you’re ready to move away from those Life Coaches that crave your business through self-pity, which they hope you’ll echo back, and validate as a qualification to help you.

Maybe instead, you’ll move more towards a Life Coach for what he’s become on his amazing journey, through life’s good and bad times, as well as for having disciplines already in place for 50 plus years, as opposed to some lard arse ex-nutter, who got his or her shit together (allegedly), just 5 years ago.

In the grand scheme of things, that five, or even ten years, might as well be 10 minutes, compared to 50 years, and you’re taking a big chance with your life and money when you hook up with a current, or ex-cocaine addict Life Coach!

Remember, Tony Robbins still has personal issues (aw boo hoo, the wanker), and Oprah Winfrey still cries herself to sleep each night, as Americas richest fat woman.

Lady Diana, as well as yo-yo dieting Oprah, are also proudly cited as clients of Big Tony’s, but am I the only one seeing a disastrous pattern here?

Hey, I’m a salesman, and I’m well aware that to sell Life Coaching services every guru advises that you must show vulnerability.

But don’t confuse vulnerability with being a wanker, unless you like hiring wankers, perhaps so as to guarantee you’ll never need to change much yourself.

It’s just a theory!

I’m vulnerable for sure, and if you haven’t already seen that, you will in good time. But I’m not weak and don’t suffer fools gladly.

You won’t make me more like you; I’ll make you more like me.

And if you can’t figure out that’s exactly why smart people hire me, then you’re a fucking retard that needs to hire a giant crybaby coke head.

Everyone say iiiiiiiiie!

You tell me how someone that’s a closet fuck up, or new to right thinking, is likely to instil, encourage, or bring out from within, qualities in you, that they themselves either don’t possess or have only recently gained repossession of?

Has it ever occurred to you that you might be a flat battery that will be drawing a charge from me?

Or for that matter, any life coach you choose.

My life essence is what I’m selling here, and if I didn’t have ten times more than any human should have, plus a way to top it up faster than it discharges, then I’d slowly get discharged from every weaker person that buys a membership, attends my courses, writes me an email, or shakes my hand.

That’s how Bio Energetics works folks, as discussed above, and does this give you an eye opener as to why Mr. Robbins and Miss Winfrey are still so depressed, and why lady Di's life turned out to be a barrel of laughs?

All of them, and there are thousands of others, of course, have been ‘discharged’ by millions of wankers the world over.

They took the money and the fame for sure (Winfrey and Robbins), but because neither of them has ever been strong enough in themselves, borderline frauds some would say, then to be able to withstand the incredible draw on the human psyche of truly helping others by the millions, requires something from them, which only exceptional humans have to give.

If you’re not Superman or Wonder Woman, it’ll kill you.

Those two (Robbins and Winfrey) are already dead from the neck up, and need to withdraw from the public eye for ten years and go do something useful for themselves and society.