Plus a Blunt Word on Relationships and the Fitness Industries take on Exercise and Fat Loss
L.P.L or lipoprotein lipase is an enzyme, and enzymes are transmitters or signalers, and in this case, LPL works very closely with insulin.
LPL enzymes stick out of the membranes of our cells and pull fatty acids into a cell for energy.
A bit like ‘win a fish’ at the funfair. You’d be the cell, the little fishing rod would be the LPL, and the fish would be the fatty acids.
LPL can also break down a triglyceride that may be in the bloodstream, into its component fatty acids before pulling them in.
Men have more LPL enzymes around the waist, and women below the waist and on the thighs.
Now, how simple is that!
There are some more interesting things to know about LPL because there to be found in all muscle cells as well as fat cells.
If LPL pulls a fatty acid into a fat cell, then it may very well get used for energy.
Trouble is, that energy will be used making more bloody fat molecules, or it could just be bound and stored as a triglyceride. Either way, it’s not really in line with your fat loss goals.
If that’s not your goal, and your already ‘6 pack, cover shoot ready’, then congratulations are in order. You bastard!
It’s the LPL on our muscles and other cells we want working flat out, and in an ideal world, the LPL on our fat cells could take the rest of their lives off!
The level of ‘Activity’ of LPL on any given cells is driven by our sex hormones.
So for example, although men have more LPL around the waist than women, Testosterone suppresses their activity, and instead concentrates them in the muscle cells, which is the real reason younger guys have all the abs and the muscles!
As the dude gets older and testosterone levels drop, often tragically, so the LPL on the gut will become more active and, at the same time, less active (or good at) pulling fatty acids into the muscles.
Older guys usually lose muscle mass and gain body and visceral fat, don’t they?
And many of them brag about weighing the same as they did in high school, the dumb shits.
Yes, they’ve lost 10lbs of lean muscle and 3 lbs of bone mass, whilst gaining 13 lbs of fat.
But they weigh the same. Whoopie do!
Estrogen works the same way for you ladies (natural estrogen that is, not contraceptives, phyto or xenoestrogens).
As you girls get older, and eat the same or even less than you did in your 20’s, and maybe even exercise more, the fat starts to creep up on your arse and thighs, as you hurtle towards looking more like your mother with each passing day.
And now you know why.
More importantly though, as a client of mine, we’re going to straighten this out before it costs you too much.
A Blunt and Rare Word on Relationships!
If I’d have known 14 years ago, what I know now, I never would have walked away from the loveliest, most beautiful women I’ve ever known.
The thought of fucking a copy of her mother was just too horrific to bear.
This Mother in law is known throughout the family as; ‘The Silverback’, which shows respect doesn’t it?
I can’t even take credit for that, as I had my own issues with the woman and my own nicknames.
Ok, so I’m a shallow bastard you girls are thinking, well two things on that;
First off, most of the guys reading this are secretly 100% on board with me, unless they like large women, in which case I want to see photos of your large wife when you fell in love with her.
Respect if you did, but 8 times out of 10, the wedding photo shows a lovely slim, athletic, or homely woman, all of which I can handle, and not the hideous fucking chud of a Jurassic beast, you currently shag, but once a month!
So don’t go pretending it’s what you prefer, just because you’ve become a lard arse yourself, can’t afford the divorce, and can’t pull the girl next door!
And ladies, before you judge me, I am what I am, and I like what I like, ok.
Sex is a huge part of any relationship I’m ever in.
I’m a pleaser, and the more I please the happier I am.
But to please my partner I need to be turned on first, and big women just don’t do it for me.
Is that so fucking terrible?
Some men and women like partners of the same sex, some like being shat or pissed on, tied up and thrashed, and some dudes like choking themselves in fucking doorways!
I’m just a meat and two veg guy really, who’s kept himself in shape, and don’t want a big fat arse, thunder thighs, and bingo wings in the bedroom.
I’m also not inclined to have a lady like that indoors, while I visit an escort on the way home each night.
So you guys and girls take heed because there’s a lot of that going on.
If you’re with someone you truly love and are turning a blind eye, either for love or the kid’s sake, to the repugnant shit you have to put up with in the sack, the sheer lack of physicality and energy, then this article may provide you with the tools you need to prevent what happened to me, happening to you.
So this is not The Blunt Coach going off topic, or on some crazy spider brain rant, it’s me being honest, and genuinely wanting to be of service to you.
Fuck it, while I’m here let’s plough the runway a bit more.
Ladies First
When you say ‘does my bum look big in this’, well if you think it does then it does, and he also thinks it does.
Invest in this information, hire me, put some bloody effort in, and never have to ask that stupid question again.
Be warned girls, when was the last time you heard of a guy that was non-orgasmic?
Thought so.
And even the fat balding ones will make up for what they lack in testosterone, with their ego’s and sense of conquest.
If you’re not feeling sexy, at the very least twice a week, and he tells you everything’s ok……. or he doesn’t mind, he’s bullshitting you!
Doesn’t mind!
Are you fucking kidding me?
How fucking stupid are you love?
I’ve worked in offices where half the men are visiting tarts on their way home to their beloved’s or having lunchtime blowjobs.
You ladies simply won’t understand or agree, when I tell you they all sincerely loved their wives!
Cut the bollocks of; there’s ‘never enough time’.
Paris Hilton finds the time, as I’m sure the Queen of England does.
Whilst I’m more than happy with once a day, at my busiest times of life and business, I was unloading twice a day, up to age 50. So cut the crap.
“Well, I’m/we’re just not very sexual”. I often hear.
Bollocks, you’re not very human is what you are, or more likely not eating food and drinking water designed for humans, not moving the way humans were designed to move, not eating enough fat that drives all your sex hormones, and not combining it with enough sunshine.
One of you would be bad enough, but what are the odds on two ‘not very sexual’ humans getting together?
The human race would have died out pretty quick with couples like that in charge.
Trust me, at least one of you aint happy!
Do you love each other?
Do you want to stay together?
And do you want to be truly happy, or just put on a show for the parish priest?
Then do as you’re told!
Sort your meds out, hormones, diet, nutrition, mindset and exercise, then see how quick ‘he doesn’t mind’ that (or she)!
Gentlemen
If you ask her ‘am I big enough for you’ what the fuck do you expect her to say?
If you want an extra 3 inches on your cock, try taking 8 inches off your waist for starters!
The increased testosterone (fat promotes estrogen) will provide you with more frequent, and harder erections for a super bonus.
And when you ask or wonder ‘am I good enough in the sack for you/her’ here’s a tip for you if you’re a member of the, ‘Pump Pump Squirt Club’.
Set a little timer up, or simply check out the bedside clock, don’t count foreplay, but from the time of entry, if your anything less than 15 minutes there’s your answer.
30 minutes is plenty for most women and can provide 6 to 12 orgasms including foreplay.
Is she non-orgasmic? Oh, do fuck off!
She’s either nutritionally deficient, or you just don’t turn her on enough. You take your pick mate.
Sort her diet, nutrition and exercise out, get shot of any medications, get yourself in shape, and if she likes you clean shaven, then make the bloody effort, even if its 10 pm.
If she likes the tradesmen’s stubble (or entrance!), then oblige once again.
When you start caring more about her than you do about yourself, she’ll go off like a firework!
Alright, I hope that little tirade is taken in the spirit it’s given, and if so, is helpful, if not scary!
Back to Fat Science
Back to this clever LPL.
So clever in fact, that when you girls get pregnant, it increases its activity on your butt and hips.
This extra weight below the waist and behind you, help’s balance the weight of your baby growing in the front, and provides extra energy for its growth.
Once you’ve given birth, it decreases activity down below, you lose the weight, and LPL increases activity in the breasts for baby milk.
How cool is that!
LPL and exercise
Well, there’s good news and bad news here folks, because when you exercise, LPL decreases activity on the fat cells and increases in the muscle cells for energy.
So you lose fat! Hooray!
But then after exercise, it reverses that process, pushing for a refill of the fat cells and a protein shot for muscle repair, by stimulating your hunger!
So you gain the fat right back! Boo!
This is why exercise has always been a crap way to lose weight.
I don’t give a shit how many calories you imagine you burn in your spin class, anyone who’s in touch with their bodies will tell you it makes you as hungry as fuck.
If you don’t put most or all the calories back by being an idiot at the gym juice or protein bar straight afterwards, then you certainly will over the next couple of meals.
And if you don’t, then well done for being so disciplined to curb your appetite with portion control, but boy are you likely to be a miserable git, from sticking to that for a year or two.
That’s right, because I take it you will be eating something after your super trendy TRX or CrossFit class, yes?
So what we’re really talking about here, is simply the difference between what you would have eaten to satisfy your post-workout, ravenous appetite, and what you actually will eat, to stop yourself from slashing your fucking wrists.
So what’s that going to save you then Mr Spock?
100, 200, 300 calories?
Ok, let’s say 300, and I suppose you’re doing this 7 days a week are you, you cardio machine?
Fair enough, so congratulations are in order because you’ll be burning a very unimpressive one pound of fat, every twelve days!
300 calories x 12 days = 3,600. 3,500 calories =1lb of fat.
Though likely as not you’ll be cutting into your bone density and muscle mass, and may well end up looking like a stringy sack of skinny fat shit, marathon runner. So good luck with that.
But of course we both know it won’t be 300 calories a day saving, and nor will it be 7 days a week, so why look to exercise for weight loss at all?
Oh, because your Personal Trainer, ‘Anton the Poof’ told you about the ‘Afterburn’ effect of High-Intensity Interval Training, well you got me there!
Didn’t see that one coming, did I!
Except that your mid-twenties, tank top wearing, Pepsi Max, arse bandit Anton, can kiss my hairy balls, because your DNA, your appetite, mother nature, or fucking Jesus Christ if it suits you, is every bit as smart as the ‘after burn’ effect.
It’s a great way to train, don’t get me wrong, and is tons better than steady state cardio, which will make you even fatter if you’re over 30, so be warned about getting too clever with exercise as a solution to body fat reduction.
If muscles grow, then yes, they will burn more energy at rest than their smaller versions did, i.e. you before you became this behemoth!
But where will all the energy come from to build all this muscle, and how long will that take?
And in spite of what ‘Anton’ has to say, if you don’t eat enough to keep up with your muscle building and energy requirements, you will disappear up your own arse.
Or Anton’s, if that’s the plan!
What Anton’s leaving out, because he spends more time thumbing through (men’s) fitness, and (men’s) bodybuilding magazines than he does Medical Journals, is the phenomenon called;
Compensatory Behavior
Your body wisdom knows, that the better you ‘Adapt’ to your environment, the better your chances of survival.
If you did a mega spin class in the morning for example, and I’ve noticed many people do more exercise either before such a class or after, then your ‘Body Wisdom’ begins adaptation, with the following Compensatory Behaviors;
1/ Your appetite will be jacked up, and you will eat more over the course of the day. Perhaps even more healthy foods, but even they contain calories, don’t they!
2/ Whatever else you do that day, you’ll be less inclined to take the stairs, stand, or pop out for a newspaper yourself, if someone else is going.
You will be completely unaware of this most of the time, as you will still be smelling your own self-righteous farts from this morning’s epic workout.
3/ The most alarming example of Compensatory Behavior will kick in if you attempt to play cleverly on the above two.
By resisting your appetite and forcing yourself to continue moving after your workout, you now have the honour of meeting the dreaded ‘Metabolic Compensation’, and this one’s a real bitch!
Your body ‘wisdom’, ironically, hasn’t caught up with the idea of exercise for Vanity, Fat loss or Health, it thinks your Hunting, Fighting or Fucking!
Moreover, it hasn’t evolved to understand your idea of ‘Will Power’.
So it simply interprets your trendy day thus;
You went on a hunt this morning (spin class), and were reasonably successful (breakfast and lunch), but you need more energy because you’re in a calorific deficit.
You’re moving around a lot (staying active post workout during the day), searching for more food, which you’re not having much luck with (because you’ve refused the slice of Birthday cake that came round the office).
Because of the slice of Birthday cake and other food triggers, your insulin is elevated.
You may not know this, but insulin is released in expectation of food, particularly carbohydrates, so as it can be ready to clear the shit (carbs) out of the bloodstream before it poisons you. More than 10 grams (2 teaspoons of sugar) in the blood could kill you.
Because insulin is only there to prioritize the removal of toxic glucose from the blood and into the cells for energy, or to send it to the liver for conversion into non-toxic glycogen, insulin signals every cell in your body to expect glucose for energy, and to refuse entry to fatty acids (fat) for the same purpose, until your free of glucose, and insulin has left the scene.
Thus it is impossible for your body to use fat for energy in the presence of insulin.
But since the cake didn’t arrive, and the insulin is there just scratching its balls wanting to do its job, a message is sent to stimulate your hunger, to reward the insulin spike.
This is why you eat more when you have a diet coke!
The sweet taste releases insulin, the insulin waits for the calories, which don’t come.
The insulin says ‘where’s my fucking calories’ and the appetite is stimulated so you take more bites of your food!
Being in a calorific deficit, all this moving around, insulin secretion, and no food leads to your body wisdom concluding that times are hard, and the food is scarce.
It wants to help you survive this perceived ‘Ice Age’ or ‘Hibernation’ or cold night, so as you can pass your genes along.
SO IT SLOWS DOWN YOUR METABOLISM!
So if you needed 2,000 calories to maintain energy balance yesterday, today you’ll only need 1,800!
Some people, particularly women, have done this to their bodies so many times, they can literally still gain weight on a thousand calories or less (700) a day!
Talk about being cruel to be kind!
Though your body just thinks it’s helping, you continue to become as frustrated as fuck.
And that’s Compensatory Behavior in a nutshell.
Anton’s answer will be to do more cardio, eat less, take stimulants, sauna’s, or wear a plastic bin liner under your tracksuit!
Fucking moron!
Can you tell that Personal trainers get on my tits?
Mid to late 20’s, single, living with Mummy, and fuck all to do all day but swan around a gym looking at tight arses in yoga pants and eating from silly Tupperware containers every 3 hours.
Shit, did I just describe my dream job?
I love Tupperware!
Anyway, most of these people have never been 35, 40 or 50, married with 3 kids, and run a business with some proper responsibilities.
Many of them 100% use drugs, especially the muscle heads, they take every supplement going, use sun beds and tanning lotions, shave all their body hair, oil themselves up, wear the latest trendy kit, or stupid fucking hobbit five-fingered mongoloid trainers, all own a trendy heart rate monitor watch………aw fuck, do I need to go on?
Their wankers.
Stay away from them, and if you must hire one, then you tell him or her what the fuck you want to do, and for how long, or how many reps etc.
But do explain to them, that because you’re such a dipshit, you need them to shout out things like ‘C’mon’, ‘Go for it’, ‘Let’s do this’, ‘Alright’,‘No Pain no Gain’ and ‘Awsome’, at the top of their voices every 30 seconds, as well as give you a high five for every pathetic set or exercise you finish.
Oh, and have them carry your water bottle and sweat towel, and give you a fist bump when you finish the workout.
And don’t mention drugs (or the war if their German).
Unless you want some drugs of course.
Because they wouldn’t have a clue where to get them for you.
Unless you absolutely want some of course, then they’ll definitely know a guy.
In fact, it’ll baffle you how a guy who doesn’t touch them personally, knows so much about their acquisition, price, effects, and dosage.
Still, I’m sure he’ll have only gone to that much time studying them for your benefit!
I’m being fucking serious here.
Do I get an opinion?
40 years in fitness, 35 in martial arts, 30 in coaching, and a former gym owner.
And I can tell you you’ve no idea how little these people actually know, how stupid they are, and how many of them are on performance enhancers, fat burners, coke and steroids.
Anyone who was half decent, with my kind of knowledge, would be in Hollywood training Hugh Jerkoffman for his next Wankerine movie anyhow!
Hey, I’m not anti performance-drugs in life or sports, I just think you’re a fucking idiot if you need to take them before your 40, or if you’re not a professional athlete training 6 hours a day.
As for the shredded buff dudes, and their retard Tupperware and excessive cardio, I can tell you that the former (the idea that 6 small meals a day burn more calories than eating the same volume over 3, 2 or 1 large meal) has been proven beyond any doubt, to also be total bullshit.
Drugged to the gills bodybuilders and pro athletes, will often train 3 times a day for 2 hours a session, and so need to consume a huge number of daily calories. For them at least, it makes sense to eat prior to, and after each workout, when they’ll also be resting or napping, so six small meals a day makes some sense there since a smaller meal obviously leaves the stomach faster than a large one for the next workout or sleep.
Tupperware salespeople must also love the six small meals a day brigade.
But the proponents who believe this somehow leads to better weight control have conveniently missed the science class on T.E.F (the thermic effect of food), which states very clearly that; eating 6 meals of 500 calories does nothing more than eating 3 meals of 1,000 calories.
That said, one very interesting study showed that eating the whole lot in one go actually ‘increased’ the metabolism by 2% above and beyond 2 to 6 meals, so ya boo sucks to any wankey personal trainers out there who still insist on the smaller more frequent eating regime; Tai MM, Castillo P, Pi-Sunyer FX. Meal size and frequency: effect on the thermic effect of food. Am J Clin Nutr. 1991 Nov;54(5):783-7.
And as to the latter (cardio), well, whilst I can think of a few reasons a downs syndrome bodybuilder, with a tiny dick and body dysmorphia, might want to do tons of cardio or even benefit from it, none of them apply to you, and especially if your over 35. Stay away from cardio.
Especially if your fat at the outset.
Those professional fitness models, bodybuilders, or your trainer, didn’t get shredded on an exercise bike, did they?
They’re either too young for fat to show up yet (under 35), or did a shit ton of drugs, ate like a pig, trained like a madman for ten years, spent every spare moment on the sofa or in bed recovering and……..oh yeah; ‘they also did some cardio’.
In that order!
Which, if I’m guessing right, isn’t your plan, is it?
Never ever, ever, with sugar on top and another ever, follow the lead of a bodybuilder in a gym. Even if you want to be a bodybuilder!
Train like an athlete or gymnast first for a few years, before deciding if you want to oil up, and pose in front of men in your underpants or bikini.
Either way, you’ll look like a twat, walk like you’ve shit yourself, still have a small dick (regardless of your gender), and always think that life would be better if only you could get a bit bigger!
And for any Dad’s reading this, get your kids into martial arts, track and field, gymnastics and dance, anything actually before they discover bodybuilding.
Help your kids to use their body’s in a functional way, and build true confidence, preferably in a solo sport as above.
Team sports are fine, but you won’t get the same self-reliance, confidence, and responsibility from a kid who shares his victories, and spreads the blame for defeats among 10 other teammates!
Conclusion
You should have got more than a ton of knowledge, and a few ‘eureka’ moments from all that, and I hope it serves you well.
If it’s left you feeling a bit down on exercise, diet, enzymes and hormones, then fear not.
It is totally possible to manipulate your diet, hormones, enzymes and workouts, to achieve all your desired goals.
No ‘Anton the personal trainer’ required!
Seriously though, how many personal trainers do you think there are in the whole world, that have a clue about anything we’ve been sharing here today?
Check out the Tupperware mongs in your local gym, or go ask one what LPL or the TEF is, and watch the vacant gaze.
What you will need to meet your physical dreams, is a credit card, an email address, and a Skype connection. Oh, and a Blunt Coach.
I’ve given you at least 10 clues where to look, if you’d prefer to go down the ‘do it yourself route’, which may take upwards of 50 hours of your time, and involve kissing lots of Anton’s in the process.
Best wishes either way and thanks for joining us today.
Blunt Coach Andy
